06-30-2016, 02:04 PM
I see the following issues with this poem:
1. It's boring, like watching a CCTV recording on a regular day when no one was killed. The problem is not the topic, but the way it is told. You throw in irrelevant detail like toothbrushes and medicines in the sink and for a moment I thought that you were going somewhere, but that's where the sentence ended. Now if you'd intended to make it humorous, you'd have said antacids in the dog's bowl. If it was meant to be scary, medicines in the milk. But in the sink? I don't need to know the minutiae of your actual life unless there's a point to it.
2. There is no rhythm and the line breaks are arbitrary. It's basically boring prose. Eg:
I’m unsure of my earliest memory, but I have three antiques: when mom broke the plate and spilt the beans, my father stepping out of his truck with my first dog, and my mother crying behind me. I was eating lunch from the edge of a hospital bed.
Why write this out over 6 separate lines?
1. It's boring, like watching a CCTV recording on a regular day when no one was killed. The problem is not the topic, but the way it is told. You throw in irrelevant detail like toothbrushes and medicines in the sink and for a moment I thought that you were going somewhere, but that's where the sentence ended. Now if you'd intended to make it humorous, you'd have said antacids in the dog's bowl. If it was meant to be scary, medicines in the milk. But in the sink? I don't need to know the minutiae of your actual life unless there's a point to it.
2. There is no rhythm and the line breaks are arbitrary. It's basically boring prose. Eg:
I’m unsure of my earliest memory, but I have three antiques: when mom broke the plate and spilt the beans, my father stepping out of his truck with my first dog, and my mother crying behind me. I was eating lunch from the edge of a hospital bed.
Why write this out over 6 separate lines?
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe