06-26-2016, 07:30 AM
Thank you everyone for your great feedback on this one! Much appreciated.
CousinKil: I tried to make the ending more like this comment: "If you could keep the child-like paradigm/voice in place when it comes to perceiving this storm while shifting your language to match the rest of the poem, then I think you'd have something very special." I'm still trying to figure out other ways to incorporate your vision. I think it might take some skills I have yet to acquire.
kolemath: I eliminated the snapping from the last stanza and moved the stiffer elements to the beginning.
Todd: I tried to do just about everything you suggested. I'm still attached to my collection of nouns, and I'm wondering if you still dislike them since I tried to be clearer that they are smells. Chicken is a weird smell, but they really are pungent creatures! But, if you still hate it, I'll change it.
Thanks again for the time spent with the piece. You've all been very helpful!
CousinKil: I tried to make the ending more like this comment: "If you could keep the child-like paradigm/voice in place when it comes to perceiving this storm while shifting your language to match the rest of the poem, then I think you'd have something very special." I'm still trying to figure out other ways to incorporate your vision. I think it might take some skills I have yet to acquire.
kolemath: I eliminated the snapping from the last stanza and moved the stiffer elements to the beginning.
Todd: I tried to do just about everything you suggested. I'm still attached to my collection of nouns, and I'm wondering if you still dislike them since I tried to be clearer that they are smells. Chicken is a weird smell, but they really are pungent creatures! But, if you still hate it, I'll change it.
Thanks again for the time spent with the piece. You've all been very helpful!