06-23-2016, 09:14 AM
[quote='Todd' pid='212480' dateline='1466548256']
Revision
I watch you sleeping,
nestled in the depression
of the bed, that my body left,
in a lingering warmth I no longer feel. I think the revision reads more clearly, but my reading still has some trouble with the 'body left' and 'no longer feel' ideas. if the warmth is lingering but you can't feel it, how do you know its there? also, comma rules (make'em or break'em) state that the essential relative clause not be offset with commas (translation: no commas surrounding 'that my body left'))
Has this chill always been chill is better for the metaphor, but as i sit and chill with your poem, the word doesn't feel like the best choice
a part of me? The moon leaches
light from my skin like smoke
rising from a fire, and I settle
into the darkness of our small room.
The sallow light rests on you,
holds you motionless,
immutable in amber. interesting language here; amber makes me think of sunset. does it fit for a description of night?
The slats of the blinds rattle
in the night breeze, and their shadows
cover you in bars. I feel the hair
on my arms bristle at the captivity.
Again, the second half of the poem is quite good.
Overall the edit is going in the right direction. A quick thought the title, it might be interesting to play with the ambiguity of the exclamative 'how we have changed!' and the nominal which explains 'how we have changed' while the poem explores the former, i'm not sure it does the same for the latter. might a revision indeed explore how the change happened? maybe this would clear up the bedleft/warm/chill sections
Thanks, Todd!
Revision
I watch you sleeping,
nestled in the depression
of the bed, that my body left,
in a lingering warmth I no longer feel. I think the revision reads more clearly, but my reading still has some trouble with the 'body left' and 'no longer feel' ideas. if the warmth is lingering but you can't feel it, how do you know its there? also, comma rules (make'em or break'em) state that the essential relative clause not be offset with commas (translation: no commas surrounding 'that my body left'))
Has this chill always been chill is better for the metaphor, but as i sit and chill with your poem, the word doesn't feel like the best choice
a part of me? The moon leaches
light from my skin like smoke
rising from a fire, and I settle
into the darkness of our small room.
The sallow light rests on you,
holds you motionless,
immutable in amber. interesting language here; amber makes me think of sunset. does it fit for a description of night?
The slats of the blinds rattle
in the night breeze, and their shadows
cover you in bars. I feel the hair
on my arms bristle at the captivity.
Again, the second half of the poem is quite good.
Overall the edit is going in the right direction. A quick thought the title, it might be interesting to play with the ambiguity of the exclamative 'how we have changed!' and the nominal which explains 'how we have changed' while the poem explores the former, i'm not sure it does the same for the latter. might a revision indeed explore how the change happened? maybe this would clear up the bedleft/warm/chill sections
Thanks, Todd!
Thanks to this Forum
