How We Have Changed (Revision 1.2)

[kolemath]

Profound meditation, Todd.  Thanks for sharing. -Kole

I watch you while you sleep, to achebe's point, 'i watch you sleeping' might be more concise and keeps the iamb
nestled into the depression
of the bed, that my body left,
a shared warmth I no longer feel. I get this line, but it doesn't capture the intended contrast; i infer it means 'a warmth that was once shared' (which doesn't sound right either) but this poem is such a meditation on the present moment, 'shared warmth' feels like a present moment to my reading, like 'nestled into the depression' is present. how can you capture the warmth ( and loss thereof, both a past tense moments) more clearly?
Has this emptiness always been maybe instead of emptiness, something that contrasts with warmth?
a part of me? The moon leaches
the light from my skin like smoke
rising from a fire, and I settle i love these images. they don't exactly fit together, moon leaching, fire expelling smoke, but this is a moment of disorient to the speaker, so the mixed metaphors work for me; they're very interesting
into the darkness of our small room.
The pale light rests on you,
holds you motionless, smart personification of light here
like a photograph, a captured moment.
The slats of the blinds rattle 
in the night breeze, and their shadows 
cover you in bars. I feel the hair my favorite lines
on my arms bristle at the captivity. wow. happy to have her trapped, even if there isn't warmth. sinister. brilliant.

~~

* A NaPM poem that I wanted to workshop.