Imagining Disaster, previously "Stuck," edit 1

[LunaDeLore]

Stuck


Could I stick this way:
pen a centimeter from the page,
       poised –
       like a statue?  

Could sap encase me, salty tears seal me?
Could I corrode like a rusty relic
paraded through the streets –
the patron saint of marble tongues?
Would pilgrims pray at my pen,
       pausing –
       like statues?

Maybe I'd stick like Zen legends,
mummifying through meditation,
becoming a picture – a pose – a piece of prose,
my pen a centimeter from the page,
       poised –
       like a snake.

I like the form of this poem; it's a nice change of scene although L1 is unsettling. I'm not sure I like the use of the colon at the end of a question. If it were my work, I'd probably go with the question mark defined (?: ). Then juxtaposition comes to mind and why not something like this:

Pen a centimeter from the page,
       poised –
       like a statue?  
       Could I stick like this?

Could sap encase me, salty tears seal me?
Could I corrode like a rusty relic
paraded through the streets –
the patron saint of marble tongues?
Would pilgrims pray at my pen,
       pausing –
       like statues?

Looking at it this way, L1 fuses better or moves smoothly into S2...My only concern with S2 is "rusty relic" and later on I ask myself; do statues pause? Statues are more like an unchanging entity; a three dimensional still life not pausing, not moving, and sometimes not even being admired..... I like the poem's energy.

Enjoyed reading

Luna