06-17-2016, 12:12 PM
In woods around my home in fall,
broad trees concealed among brown leaves*
at pre-dawn, dark men, frozen all
are blue and grey clad shady thieves
behind the trees; a wayward dream.
Spooked horses whimper in great pain,**
as ghosts of Chicamauga scream***,
these vestiges alone remain.
The curve of her soft back recalled,
sustains the husband on his march,
reduced now to a staggered crawl.
At rest feels her on the larch,
then rises in a shaky reel;
November’s relentless rain
restores the bloody, grim ordeal,
These vestiges alone remain ****
Cold bodies lie from cannons’ sprawl,
loss overwhelms all victory.*****
In fields of wheat men stand in thrall
and those from both sides clearly see;
like those at home might too, bereaved,
mute avowal of the slain.
The dead surmount dead; country cleaved
these vestiges alone remain
Co-mingled soldiers’ blood conceives
ground plowed come early spring; inflamed,
waves gold in sunlight shine, relieved,
these vestiges alone remain.
*:I feel like "within" would be better suited than "among" if the trees are hidden behind the leaves and not having attention drawn away from them by nearby leaves. I don’t think the imagery is lost with this word choice though.
**:I am not totally sure why the Horses are in pain or if the selection is to force the rhyme. Maybe consider “Spooked horses whimper all in vain” as if their whimpering was meant as an alarm foretelling an attack.
***:Before reading this I was uneducated on what Chicamuaga was so I googled it to learn more and I believe it may be spelled Chickamauga.
****: I really liked this part. Fall rains tend to be much colder where I live, and tend to invoke that sort of sorrowful nostalgia and the horrors of the past that this poem seems to represent. The imagery compliments the story nicely in my opinion.
*****:I see that in your previous iterations of the piece you really wanted to draw a comparison between loss and gain, but edited it out for efficacy. If you wanted to take that approach still you could try, “loss conquers gains in victory.”
broad trees concealed among brown leaves*
at pre-dawn, dark men, frozen all
are blue and grey clad shady thieves
behind the trees; a wayward dream.
Spooked horses whimper in great pain,**
as ghosts of Chicamauga scream***,
these vestiges alone remain.
The curve of her soft back recalled,
sustains the husband on his march,
reduced now to a staggered crawl.
At rest feels her on the larch,
then rises in a shaky reel;
November’s relentless rain
restores the bloody, grim ordeal,
These vestiges alone remain ****
Cold bodies lie from cannons’ sprawl,
loss overwhelms all victory.*****
In fields of wheat men stand in thrall
and those from both sides clearly see;
like those at home might too, bereaved,
mute avowal of the slain.
The dead surmount dead; country cleaved
these vestiges alone remain
Co-mingled soldiers’ blood conceives
ground plowed come early spring; inflamed,
waves gold in sunlight shine, relieved,
these vestiges alone remain.
*:I feel like "within" would be better suited than "among" if the trees are hidden behind the leaves and not having attention drawn away from them by nearby leaves. I don’t think the imagery is lost with this word choice though.
**:I am not totally sure why the Horses are in pain or if the selection is to force the rhyme. Maybe consider “Spooked horses whimper all in vain” as if their whimpering was meant as an alarm foretelling an attack.
***:Before reading this I was uneducated on what Chicamuaga was so I googled it to learn more and I believe it may be spelled Chickamauga.
****: I really liked this part. Fall rains tend to be much colder where I live, and tend to invoke that sort of sorrowful nostalgia and the horrors of the past that this poem seems to represent. The imagery compliments the story nicely in my opinion.
*****:I see that in your previous iterations of the piece you really wanted to draw a comparison between loss and gain, but edited it out for efficacy. If you wanted to take that approach still you could try, “loss conquers gains in victory.”