06-16-2016, 04:22 AM
While typically the format you chose (non-rhyming couplets with irregular length) rubs me the wrong way, I think it suits your lines perfectly. This is a lovely poem, full of irony and poignancy and just enough fuck-the-man-ness.
Wjames offered up some solid thoughts on the piece. I have just a few more: I don't think your first two lines live up to the rest of the poem, they seem too chatty. And the two "always"s you have don't do a lot for you imo. For "people say..." instead of people could you put a more specific/interesting group in there? I think a couple of well placed modern references in the first half, like your Hampton Whites and light show towards the end, would make this stand out even more.
Now I just wonder; why do you still post in novice? ;D
-jc
Wjames offered up some solid thoughts on the piece. I have just a few more: I don't think your first two lines live up to the rest of the poem, they seem too chatty. And the two "always"s you have don't do a lot for you imo. For "people say..." instead of people could you put a more specific/interesting group in there? I think a couple of well placed modern references in the first half, like your Hampton Whites and light show towards the end, would make this stand out even more.
Now I just wonder; why do you still post in novice? ;D
-jc
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The howling beast is back.
The howling beast is back.