06-16-2016, 03:57 AM
This is a lovely first post and one you should be proud of (much better than so many on here, mine most definitely included!)
In your poem do you a good job of bringing in little details, as lizzie pointed out, and like her I'd encourage you to find some more of those to add in and replace the few abstractions you have that weaken it. I also agree with Todd that cutting out some of the filler lines will give the poem a stronger punch.
One thing, and perhaps this is just me, is I feel like there's more to the story than I was able to glean from the poem. The speaker is now working at MacDonalds but was a social worker, and the fall from grace was due to an illness? That's what I got, and it doesn't seem quite right/complete. Having a bit of mystery is fine but you don't want your readers to come away scratching their heads. And that's exactly why workshopping is so great-- you don't have to guess what the readers will think, because we tell you. ^_^
If you go back and edit your poem, which I hope you do (because after all why else post it here?) please edit your original post and put the second version at the top so we can see it!
-jc
In your poem do you a good job of bringing in little details, as lizzie pointed out, and like her I'd encourage you to find some more of those to add in and replace the few abstractions you have that weaken it. I also agree with Todd that cutting out some of the filler lines will give the poem a stronger punch.
One thing, and perhaps this is just me, is I feel like there's more to the story than I was able to glean from the poem. The speaker is now working at MacDonalds but was a social worker, and the fall from grace was due to an illness? That's what I got, and it doesn't seem quite right/complete. Having a bit of mystery is fine but you don't want your readers to come away scratching their heads. And that's exactly why workshopping is so great-- you don't have to guess what the readers will think, because we tell you. ^_^
If you go back and edit your poem, which I hope you do (because after all why else post it here?) please edit your original post and put the second version at the top so we can see it!
-jc
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The howling beast is back.
The howling beast is back.