06-15-2016, 04:01 PM
(06-15-2016, 10:14 AM)lizziep Wrote: I never cared for Jesus – I like bad boys. I don't think this period should be here, "and blondes" isn't a full sentence - it should be part of this one.I think you have some interesting thoughts here, and I usually dislike poems about religion. I think you should change the title, as, like I said, it gives away the best line in your poem, and reduces it's impact.
And blondes. He wasn't blonde, but he looks like it in his pictures.
They always seem false, photo-shopped
to look brighter, lighter;
so light, in fact, he floats.
Some pictures only show one side,
and it makes me wonder
if it's his ugly side he hides.
People say he's a role model:
chiseled jaw, cheekbones rising up
to heaven, his gaze perfectly desireless,
and always looking up to his dad,
to his bad dad I don't think this line is necessary - it's said with more subtlety in the next line. It might be a reference to your opening line (I like bad boys) though, but even then you could just add bad to the preceding line.
with a history of violence.
I wonder how he ever enraged
and then engaged an empire I think he first engaged and then enraged an empire (if you're talking about Jesus). The empire wouldn't have cared enough about him to be enraged if he hadn't first engaged a following. This is a minor nit, not a big deal.
with insipid stares that don't inspire
visions of an historical force.
Maybe people came to him to see the light
show – the radiant show, the halo show, I think you give away your cleverest line in the title - I already knew what was coming because of it.
the skin show – fair and gleaming in his Hampton Whites,
in a time long before bleach.

