The Sallman Head -- edit 3
#2
(06-15-2016, 10:14 AM)lizziep Wrote:  I never cared for Jesus – I like bad boys. I don't think this period should be here, "and blondes" isn't a full sentence - it should be part of this one.
And blondes. He wasn't blonde, but he looks like it in his pictures.

They always seem false, photo-shopped
to look brighter, lighter;

so light, in fact, he floats.
Some pictures only show one side,

and it makes me wonder
if it's his ugly side he hides.

People say he's a role model:
chiseled jaw, cheekbones rising up

to heaven, his gaze perfectly desireless,
and always looking up        to his dad,

to his bad dad I don't think this line is necessary - it's said with more subtlety in the next line. It might be a reference to your opening line (I like bad boys) though, but even then you could just add bad to the preceding line.
with a history of violence.

I wonder how he ever enraged
and then engaged an empire I think he first engaged and then enraged an empire (if you're talking about Jesus). The empire wouldn't have cared enough about him to be enraged if he hadn't first engaged a following. This is a minor nit, not a big deal.

with insipid stares that don't inspire
visions of an historical force.

Maybe people came to him to see the light
show – the radiant show, the halo show, I think you give away your cleverest line in the title - I already knew what was coming because of it.

the skin show – fair and gleaming in his Hampton Whites,
in a time long before bleach.
I think you have some interesting thoughts here, and I usually dislike poems about religion. I think you should change the title, as, like I said, it gives away the best line in your poem, and reduces it's impact.
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Messages In This Thread
The Sallman Head -- edit 3 - by Lizzie - 06-15-2016, 10:14 AM
RE: The Light Show - by Wjames - 06-15-2016, 04:01 PM
RE: The Light Show - by Lizzie - 06-15-2016, 04:19 PM
RE: The Light Show - by justcloudy - 06-16-2016, 04:22 AM
RE: The Light Show - by Lizzie - 06-16-2016, 04:32 AM
RE: The Sallman Head - by Lizzie - 06-22-2016, 04:43 PM
RE: The Sallman Head - by Erthona - 06-24-2016, 01:59 AM
RE: The Sallman Head - by Todd - 06-24-2016, 02:49 AM
RE: The Sallman Head - by Lizzie - 06-25-2016, 11:15 AM
RE: The Sallman Head - by Todd - 06-25-2016, 03:20 PM
RE: The Sallman Head -- edit 2 - by LunaDeLore - 06-26-2016, 12:17 AM
RE: The Sallman Head -- edit 2 - by kolemath - 06-29-2016, 11:24 PM
RE: The Sallman Head -- edit 2 - by Lizzie - 06-30-2016, 03:48 AM
RE: The Sallman Head -- edit 2 - by kolemath - 06-30-2016, 08:00 AM
RE: The Sallman Head -- edit 2 - by Lizzie - 06-30-2016, 08:58 AM
RE: The Sallman Head -- edit 2 - by kolemath - 06-30-2016, 09:25 AM
RE: The Sallman Head -- edit 2 - by Lizzie - 06-30-2016, 09:37 AM
RE: The Sallman Head -- edit 2 - by kolemath - 06-30-2016, 09:50 AM
RE: The Sallman Head -- edit 2 - by RiverNotch - 06-30-2016, 07:38 PM
RE: The Sallman Head -- edit 2 - by Lizzie - 07-01-2016, 08:49 PM
RE: The Sallman Head -- edit 2 - by RiverNotch - 07-04-2016, 04:31 PM
RE: The Sallman Head -- edit 2 - by aschueler - 07-05-2016, 09:09 AM
RE: The Sallman Head -- edit 3 - by Lizzie - 07-27-2016, 05:50 AM
RE: The Sallman Head -- edit 3 - by Todd - 07-27-2016, 06:31 AM
RE: The Sallman Head -- edit 3 - by Lizzie - 07-27-2016, 06:37 AM
RE: The Sallman Head -- edit 3 - by RiverNotch - 07-28-2016, 02:32 AM



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