06-15-2016, 03:34 PM
Thanks for all your thoughts guys, I've already made some edits (i.e: changing turning, and man), but I'm not done yet. I've cut the entire second stanza and I'm working on adding more to the poem.
I disagree with some of your words being only for the meter billy, when I take out a couple of them, the grammar seems wrong. i.e: my glasses are fogged I can't see past the man in front of me - I don't think so is superfluous here. I agree with some of them though, and I'm trying to resolve that.
I also like the line breaks at the end of the first two lines, Mits & Slix, I think they work well here.
Thanks for all your thoughts though everyone, I definitely think I can improve this one.
I disagree with some of your words being only for the meter billy, when I take out a couple of them, the grammar seems wrong. i.e: my glasses are fogged I can't see past the man in front of me - I don't think so is superfluous here. I agree with some of them though, and I'm trying to resolve that.
I also like the line breaks at the end of the first two lines, Mits & Slix, I think they work well here.
Thanks for all your thoughts though everyone, I definitely think I can improve this one.