06-15-2016, 06:30 AM
Welcome to the site.
(Just a side note) When I was first at the university in the seventies, I was taught to avoid sentiment in writing, but especially in poetry. Blame the post-romantics for wearing it out. I don't think there is anything wrong with sentiment, in and of itself, but it seems a large portions of society is repulsed by straightforward declarations of emotion, especially love. So it is that now I often have difficulty deciding if a piece such as this is in fact straightforward or sarcasm. Well, on to the poem.
Blank verse is it? There are some (well many) problematic areas with the verse form that need be attended. I'll not note them all, but ones that are really disruptive are the pseudo-Yoda turn,
"Your smile bright like the sun. I want to stare"
I realize this is an attempt at enjambment, but it comes across when first read as reversed syntax until one slows to see it is a sentence break in the middle of the line, which of course is very disruptive to the reading.
Then "cocoon". Not only is the wording awkward, but the image conveyed is worse (thus I lean towards sarcasm). Not every synonym works equally well. Cocoon has much connotative baggage that snuggle does not.
In summation this poem seem mostly sweet nothings, but if one is wooing one who finds sweet nothings tasty, I guess they will settle for nothings less sweet...
dale
(Just a side note) When I was first at the university in the seventies, I was taught to avoid sentiment in writing, but especially in poetry. Blame the post-romantics for wearing it out. I don't think there is anything wrong with sentiment, in and of itself, but it seems a large portions of society is repulsed by straightforward declarations of emotion, especially love. So it is that now I often have difficulty deciding if a piece such as this is in fact straightforward or sarcasm. Well, on to the poem.
Blank verse is it? There are some (well many) problematic areas with the verse form that need be attended. I'll not note them all, but ones that are really disruptive are the pseudo-Yoda turn,
"Your smile bright like the sun. I want to stare"
I realize this is an attempt at enjambment, but it comes across when first read as reversed syntax until one slows to see it is a sentence break in the middle of the line, which of course is very disruptive to the reading.
Then "cocoon". Not only is the wording awkward, but the image conveyed is worse (thus I lean towards sarcasm). Not every synonym works equally well. Cocoon has much connotative baggage that snuggle does not.
In summation this poem seem mostly sweet nothings, but if one is wooing one who finds sweet nothings tasty, I guess they will settle for nothings less sweet...
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.