Let's

[ellajam]

Hi, a few points for you to consider.

Because L1, and most of the poem, is iambic, the few departures bump my read, particularly smile bright and gaze piercing. It would be easy to improve this if you were so inclined.

I would also prefer pierces and reverberates, it keeps it more immediate.

I found the last line a letdown. It's a cliche and it makes me think less of the Narrator to make that promise unless they are clairvoyant. You could do better.

So beautiful that I can hardly breathe.
Your smile bright like the sun. I want to stare,
but can't. Your gaze piercing me like a scream,
reverberating through the air inside
my lungs, the blood within my veins, my soul.
I'm hot and cold at once, and so alive,
awake, because you're better than a dream.
I want to cocoon myself in your hair,
and tangle up our fingers, legs, and arms.
To brush my toes against your toes, to feel
your lips against my lips. Let's fall in love.
I promise it will be so wonderful.