06-14-2016, 11:24 PM
I agree with Erthona that you should probably divide the poem into more lines. Also, I think some of your rhymes sound a little bit forced. For instance, when you rhyme "before" with "poor" in lines 2 and 3, "poor" doesn't seem like the best word you could use to describe your "sort of activity." Another example of a rhyme that I don't think works very well comes at the end, when you rhyme "week" with "bleak." The rhythm there seems a bit unsteady as a result of your working in the rhyme.
On the other hand, a lot of your rhymes or almost-rhymes work really well. Line 12 has a great rhythm and the words "prosperity" and "inherently," though not rhyming, have similar vowel sounds and stresses.
I'd also add that you can probably do more showing and less telling. Very little of this poem is actually about the fly. Most of it is a series of moralistic ruminations. You could communicate your message in a more compelling way by focusing the poem on the fly.
On the other hand, a lot of your rhymes or almost-rhymes work really well. Line 12 has a great rhythm and the words "prosperity" and "inherently," though not rhyming, have similar vowel sounds and stresses.
I'd also add that you can probably do more showing and less telling. Very little of this poem is actually about the fly. Most of it is a series of moralistic ruminations. You could communicate your message in a more compelling way by focusing the poem on the fly.