06-14-2016, 12:13 PM
@Kolemath - Thank you for reading through the revision and adding your thoughts. You have made some excellent observations again that I will definitely address. You've also made what I'm certain are excellent points regarding grammar especially regarding the 'breeze and steel' stanza. I think I know what you mean about appositives and other bits but I'm going to go away and read some stuff and make sure that I do understand, the rules of grammar at that level are something I'm not familiar with but I'll work on it.
I'm glad that the major changes, like the two re-written stanzas have worked well and haven't jarred and altered the feel of the poem too much.
I'll wait a few days and then look at it fresh and then do another edit.
Thanks again, much appreciated.
Mark
@Dukealien - Thanks - I like what you say about an incremental improvement and not losing the heart. It makes sense and also it was a worry that I might lose some of the feeling that I had in the poem by editing.
It's bizarre that you should mention that particular point about whether it was feasible for chains to produce that amount of rust because I was thinking about the poem today and wondering about which parts could be questioned as not being feasible. I could give a reasonable argument for most of the poem and for the chains my reasoning would be that I saw it happen. I went to that ship launch and all I remember are the chains and watching them uncoil and the amazing sound they made and the huge cloud of rust that they left behind. I don't remember seeing the Queen Mother and to be honest the ship is a very vague memory... but them chains blew my mind and so that's the point of reference at where this poem began. Only a child could go to see a ship launch and think that the chains were the best bit.
Thanks for the comments again, there will be another edit following at some point in the next week,
Cheers,
Mark
I'm glad that the major changes, like the two re-written stanzas have worked well and haven't jarred and altered the feel of the poem too much.
I'll wait a few days and then look at it fresh and then do another edit.
Thanks again, much appreciated.
Mark
@Dukealien - Thanks - I like what you say about an incremental improvement and not losing the heart. It makes sense and also it was a worry that I might lose some of the feeling that I had in the poem by editing.
It's bizarre that you should mention that particular point about whether it was feasible for chains to produce that amount of rust because I was thinking about the poem today and wondering about which parts could be questioned as not being feasible. I could give a reasonable argument for most of the poem and for the chains my reasoning would be that I saw it happen. I went to that ship launch and all I remember are the chains and watching them uncoil and the amazing sound they made and the huge cloud of rust that they left behind. I don't remember seeing the Queen Mother and to be honest the ship is a very vague memory... but them chains blew my mind and so that's the point of reference at where this poem began. Only a child could go to see a ship launch and think that the chains were the best bit.
Thanks for the comments again, there will be another edit following at some point in the next week,
Cheers,
Mark
wae aye man ye radgie