06-14-2016, 08:20 AM
Hey, Mark, this revision works well, especially in the clarity of the narrative. I've only commented on a few stanzas below because most of this works very well under my eyes.
[quote='ambrosial revelation' pid='211944' dateline='1465455983']
Edit 1 - Dukealien, Kolemath
When I was seven my Granda took me to see a ship launch.
Hundreds of folk with union jacks and nautical smiles
flooded the streets of Wallsend and floated along
buoyantly down into Swan Hunter's shipyard. I like the line break revision here
The Queen Mother was there in a posh frock
and some said she looked bonny in her frilly hat,
but Granda said, "Cannit see it meesel son
and anyways the days bonny enuff for us."
We hadn't come to see the fashions of a royal
but royalty fashioned in the building of a ship I like the syntax of this line, but reading it again, the prepositional phrases which close the line weaken the effect of the wordplay. (I didn't catch this in my first reading). 'fashioned' and 'building' are a bit redundant. 'a royally fashioned ship?' i'm not sure i like that line either, but you may continue tinkering here
on the banks of the Tyne in a yard of wonder.
Standing there in astonishment I absorbed it all. great work revising for the build up of images. this line sets up subsequent stanzas very well. think about 'astonishment' through? it's an accurate word, but is it the word of a child?
A faint salt breeze beneath the river's stench, I like this appositive (well written image), but it inaccurately modifies its sentence's subject. (according to standard grammar rules (which are fun to break sometimes)) the appositive must share a reference with the sentence's subject (e.g. breeze and steel are different referrants); you might make the line about steel an appositive too (e.g. colliding steel clattering...) just a thought..
colliding steel clatters the seagull's screech.
Acetylene flames spit sparks against the sun
as an oil drum thunders down a metal ramp.
A rhythm, a pulse, alive. the repetition works now, especially nestled between these image stanzas; I might suggest another light revision, as each word isn't parallel (e.g. rhythm/pulse are nouns but alive is adj.) might the list be parallel? (e.g. 'a yard alive/living/breathing')? then you have three nouns
Boisterous klaxons scream a pathway clear,
forklift trucks scurry between the legs of cranes.
Frenzied shouts deliver instructions
as dismantled scaffolding collects in a heap.
A rhythm, a pulse, alive.
Electricity crackles, sparks and arcs to fuse,
the white hot welders flame rumbles as it burns.
Syncopated hammers beat a ragtime groove
as a distant pneumatic drill trembles the ground.
A rhythm, a pulse, alive.
Everywhere beaming smiles
beneath hard hats on hard heads.
Everywhere pride.
And at the centre round which all else orbited
HMS Ark Royal stood silent, slumbering on the slipway great contrast of images
an anaesthetised behemoth soon to be awoken
and set free from the hammer and the anvil.
Enormous serpents of rust lay coiled in her shade
set to strike should she still need a final shackling
before a river baptism and the seas confirmation
opened all points on her compass to endless horizons.
Lost in swirling thoughts of ships at sea
I missed the crescendo countdown,
bottle smash and cheering.
A hand shaking my shoulder brought me back ashore these lines complement the previous stanzas' imagery well, connecting observation and character behavior
just in time to see the skyline slowly moving
as the giant grey beast woke up moaning. great work extending the metaphor
Gathering unstoppable momentum.
Down and down shaking the ground.
How she howled as her metal shuddered
and how she screamed the rest of the way drop 'and'? i like the rhythm of the wh-nominals on their own
until she met the river with an almighty thunderous
boom that sent a wave surging towards the far bank.
Then, without warning drop 'then,' as the idea is 'without warning?' 'then' warns the reader
there came a furious rasping hiss
and in an impetuous rage
the serpents gave chase.
Violently jolting and shedding their skin
as they uncoiled and hurtled to the water,
leaving behind a thick cloud of rust
that hid everything from view.
Gradually
the haze cleared to reveal
emptiness.
A decayed wasteland, half a decade's dilapidation.
Workers, wizards, fond well-wishers vanished
and in their place half dismantled cranes lay strewn
across the storm-battered yard, roofless fabrication sheds collapsed
onto seaweed carpeted slipways, scaffolding poles and pylons
toppled, power cables ripped from concrete, concrete ripped from earth
the whole damn forest all upended. with 'whole' is 'all' necessary?
No saplings, no roots, no life except rats—bigger than ever
—and the stray cats that refuse to leave the home they've known for years.
"Wu used to build ships here ye knaa",
Granda reminds the cats as he hands out
the last of the food we brought for them.
Thanks for sharing the poem's progress!
[quote='ambrosial revelation' pid='211944' dateline='1465455983']
Edit 1 - Dukealien, Kolemath
When I was seven my Granda took me to see a ship launch.
Hundreds of folk with union jacks and nautical smiles
flooded the streets of Wallsend and floated along
buoyantly down into Swan Hunter's shipyard. I like the line break revision here
The Queen Mother was there in a posh frock
and some said she looked bonny in her frilly hat,
but Granda said, "Cannit see it meesel son
and anyways the days bonny enuff for us."
We hadn't come to see the fashions of a royal
but royalty fashioned in the building of a ship I like the syntax of this line, but reading it again, the prepositional phrases which close the line weaken the effect of the wordplay. (I didn't catch this in my first reading). 'fashioned' and 'building' are a bit redundant. 'a royally fashioned ship?' i'm not sure i like that line either, but you may continue tinkering here
on the banks of the Tyne in a yard of wonder.
Standing there in astonishment I absorbed it all. great work revising for the build up of images. this line sets up subsequent stanzas very well. think about 'astonishment' through? it's an accurate word, but is it the word of a child?
A faint salt breeze beneath the river's stench, I like this appositive (well written image), but it inaccurately modifies its sentence's subject. (according to standard grammar rules (which are fun to break sometimes)) the appositive must share a reference with the sentence's subject (e.g. breeze and steel are different referrants); you might make the line about steel an appositive too (e.g. colliding steel clattering...) just a thought..
colliding steel clatters the seagull's screech.
Acetylene flames spit sparks against the sun
as an oil drum thunders down a metal ramp.
A rhythm, a pulse, alive. the repetition works now, especially nestled between these image stanzas; I might suggest another light revision, as each word isn't parallel (e.g. rhythm/pulse are nouns but alive is adj.) might the list be parallel? (e.g. 'a yard alive/living/breathing')? then you have three nouns
Boisterous klaxons scream a pathway clear,
forklift trucks scurry between the legs of cranes.
Frenzied shouts deliver instructions
as dismantled scaffolding collects in a heap.
A rhythm, a pulse, alive.
Electricity crackles, sparks and arcs to fuse,
the white hot welders flame rumbles as it burns.
Syncopated hammers beat a ragtime groove
as a distant pneumatic drill trembles the ground.
A rhythm, a pulse, alive.
Everywhere beaming smiles
beneath hard hats on hard heads.
Everywhere pride.
And at the centre round which all else orbited
HMS Ark Royal stood silent, slumbering on the slipway great contrast of images
an anaesthetised behemoth soon to be awoken
and set free from the hammer and the anvil.
Enormous serpents of rust lay coiled in her shade
set to strike should she still need a final shackling
before a river baptism and the seas confirmation
opened all points on her compass to endless horizons.
Lost in swirling thoughts of ships at sea
I missed the crescendo countdown,
bottle smash and cheering.
A hand shaking my shoulder brought me back ashore these lines complement the previous stanzas' imagery well, connecting observation and character behavior
just in time to see the skyline slowly moving
as the giant grey beast woke up moaning. great work extending the metaphor
Gathering unstoppable momentum.
Down and down shaking the ground.
How she howled as her metal shuddered
and how she screamed the rest of the way drop 'and'? i like the rhythm of the wh-nominals on their own
until she met the river with an almighty thunderous
boom that sent a wave surging towards the far bank.
Then, without warning drop 'then,' as the idea is 'without warning?' 'then' warns the reader
there came a furious rasping hiss
and in an impetuous rage
the serpents gave chase.
Violently jolting and shedding their skin
as they uncoiled and hurtled to the water,
leaving behind a thick cloud of rust
that hid everything from view.
Gradually
the haze cleared to reveal
emptiness.
A decayed wasteland, half a decade's dilapidation.
Workers, wizards, fond well-wishers vanished
and in their place half dismantled cranes lay strewn
across the storm-battered yard, roofless fabrication sheds collapsed
onto seaweed carpeted slipways, scaffolding poles and pylons
toppled, power cables ripped from concrete, concrete ripped from earth
the whole damn forest all upended. with 'whole' is 'all' necessary?
No saplings, no roots, no life except rats—bigger than ever
—and the stray cats that refuse to leave the home they've known for years.
"Wu used to build ships here ye knaa",
Granda reminds the cats as he hands out
the last of the food we brought for them.
Thanks for sharing the poem's progress!
Thanks to this Forum
