06-14-2016, 04:57 AM
I'm still waiting for the "explict" whatever that is. Could you possibly explicate the meaning of "explict"?
A lot of these lines are written somewhat awkwardly and the lineation is pretty much all over the place(just an example):
"Woken this morning by an insistent fly persistently diving into my hung over disgraced face."
"Awoke this morning by an insistent fly
persistently diving at my hung-over
and disgraced face."
1. woken is the equivalent of waked. So it doesn't really work well here.
2. If a fly were to dive into one's face, it would mean he broke the skin barrier and I don't think that is what is meant.
3. As hungover and disgraced both refer to the face they should be balanced by "and", not written as though one were part of the other, not unless the disgraced was hungover or the hungover was disgraced.
This unfortunately is not an isolated incident, and similar occurrences pepper the poem. So the goal here I think is to go back and try to improve on the sentence structure as well as the lineation, that is to put it to the benefit of the poem.
A poem of course does not have to be written in formal verse, but there needs to be some rhythmic underpinning to distinguish it from prose, at the moment I sense nothing of the type.
This piece reads more as rhetoric than as poetry. Mark called it preachy, I would call it sermanistic, except there is no such word, so I am forced to stay with rhetoric
This form of passing on supposed "wisdom knowledge" is not new and was often used in religious writings during the early stages of the colonization of the United States. So on one hand it is certainly a valid tradition, while on the other it has been so over used you will probably find very few who will respond to it, simply due to the form of presentation. So that might be something to consider.
Best,
dale
A lot of these lines are written somewhat awkwardly and the lineation is pretty much all over the place(just an example):
"Woken this morning by an insistent fly persistently diving into my hung over disgraced face."
"Awoke this morning by an insistent fly
persistently diving at my hung-over
and disgraced face."
1. woken is the equivalent of waked. So it doesn't really work well here.
2. If a fly were to dive into one's face, it would mean he broke the skin barrier and I don't think that is what is meant.
3. As hungover and disgraced both refer to the face they should be balanced by "and", not written as though one were part of the other, not unless the disgraced was hungover or the hungover was disgraced.
This unfortunately is not an isolated incident, and similar occurrences pepper the poem. So the goal here I think is to go back and try to improve on the sentence structure as well as the lineation, that is to put it to the benefit of the poem.
A poem of course does not have to be written in formal verse, but there needs to be some rhythmic underpinning to distinguish it from prose, at the moment I sense nothing of the type.
This piece reads more as rhetoric than as poetry. Mark called it preachy, I would call it sermanistic, except there is no such word, so I am forced to stay with rhetoric
This form of passing on supposed "wisdom knowledge" is not new and was often used in religious writings during the early stages of the colonization of the United States. So on one hand it is certainly a valid tradition, while on the other it has been so over used you will probably find very few who will respond to it, simply due to the form of presentation. So that might be something to consider.
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.