Suburban Camouflage

[Magpie]

Hi Vanity, an interesting story poem about life in suburbia. It is one of hell of a long poem but it never gets boring enough for me to jump ship and swim. I've left a few comments below—I have to remind myself that this is in the mild forum and try and show some restraint, I will try my best.

Suburban Camouflage 

I saw the movers carry in what had to be
a tanning bed- a vampire coffin- or -- There is a part of me that wants 'either' at the beginning of this list
a George Forman grill for an elk? -- This doesn't work for me compared with the vampire coffin, no need for a question mark either, there's no question being asked.
It was the subject of much speculation -- Too wordy - you could lose this line and incorporate in the next line something like 'last night the answer was clear when the neon' - not like but you get my drift
Till last night, the neon purple
tanning lights lit up
their basement windows
like Close Encounters.
My fickle moths have
all abandoned my porchlight -- Excellent image -- don't need 'all'
to go bounce off
The glowing glass- -- could possibly lose 'the' —Also while I'm at this point I should mention what seems like the random capitalization of some words at the beginning of lines regardless if it is a new sentence or not - I'm thinking that it's some kind of i-pad or notebook issue where it does it automatically - if it is then sort it because it's distracting as hell if it's intentional then I'd love to hear your reasons.
bip. bip. bip. -- I like onomatopoeia but when I imagine moths bouncing off glass I hear slight variation in the sounds - you could change the middle one to 'bop' or something

My new neighbors are excessively fit
and horrendously tan. -- This may be a regional or dialect thing but I would say 'tanned'
Like a sort of cordovan shoe polish tan -- lose the repetition of 'tan' -- perhaps just have the line as 'a cordovan shoe polish'
That is both unnaturally dark -- could lose 'That is both'
And slightly greasy.
You almost want to run your finger
down their forearm, and
observe your fingertip. -- 'observe' doesn't feel right considering the almost conversational tone of the piece
I have seen the husband strut -- to drop 'the' before husband could suit the tone more
From front door to Land Rover
I've seen the glint of his forearm
As I chew a Danish in
the grayish-lavender shade
of my kitchen.

Mrs. Chen has seen the woman
Whilst getting her mail--  -- nice play on words - double-entendre
The wife has Baywatch blonde hair. -- similar to earlier with 'husband' you could drop 'the' before 'wife'
She also has the wooden tobacco Indian tan.
I can't seem to stop looking at her spherical breasts
The nipples are like little marbles 
It's like ignoring someone staring
You lock eyes fixedly, -- these two or three lines read awkwardly - and the uncertainty about the capitalised words doesn't help
hoping you don't look crazy
Praying for anything interesting to happen
In the background .

I peel an orange and text -- Excellent image tying in with the excessive tans
my friend about what freaks they are
Leaving little sticky prints on the screen.
I'm not sure if I'm revolted or jealous
really--their teeth are unnaturally bluish-white
-It's hard not to just watch them flash
while they talk.
They dress...Forever 21
When they have to be...mid-fourties -- ellipsis in these two lines is unnecessary ...
His neck tattoos 
And her pierced belly button
Make my eyelid shiver
with unspent mirth.

Undoubtedly if I were told to strip
at gunpoint by a bank robber,
I would rather be shot. -- I know what you are implying here but the idea that a bank robber has enough time or even a reason to ask people to strip seems unlikely. Try to find another situation/image to express the same thing.
I am squishy. My smallish breasts are wiggly.
I'm a pale, washed-out cream color
With freckles, and some scribbly
Violet veins, here and there.
I used to be a character, unforgettable 
Tell a joke to a crowd gal
But not now -- don't need this line
Now your eyes will bounce off me -- eyes don't bounce unless you take them and ahemm... a 'gaze' could bounce
As I'm generally unnoticed 
In my suburban camouflage 
Of black yoga pants -- drop 'of' and 'and' in these two lines, make it read more like a checklist
And ponytail.

Mrs. Chen and I 
Drink wine on my back deck
Peering around the pergola,
and perennials -- nice alliteration, might sound better with perennials and pergola swapped
That give my hand something to do
I dead head geraniums, -- deadhead all one word - it still works for the image
as our snarky tongues devour
the level of blush wine sinks
In my glass
as the sun sinks,
and the navy night
rises.  -- a rising night seems odd a rising knight however
My neighbor drags her small, ridiculous,
unwilling dog home
I'm alone in my shivering ferns. -- this line should be part of the stanza below, new scene perhaps add something to clarify that your in the ferns watching your new neighbours

Their clothes are so tight -- as with the whole of the poem i would slim down parts like this and be as economical as possible with words 'tight clothes' says the same obviously once the context with the previous line has been sorted
It's no effort to imagine them naked
Their sex, I imagine, is near perfect- -- lose the repetition of 'imagine'
nothing jiggles
Pretty sweat rolls down
His aquiline nose, her hip bones
Shining bronze angles. -- nice imagery in these lines
Lights on and eyes open. -- again slim it down - lose 'and' it makes it read less like prose
I finish my wine
And salute the night sky
With my goblet
     "Ut diligatis vas vacuum replendum."
     May love fill this empty vessel
     The night is long, oh Lord.

They don't have curtains upstairs
I see the yellow rectangles glowing
upstairs--I imagine -- too many upstairs in these three lines
they hope someone is watching
maybe--they anticipate I will watch
and that sole thought
is the green button -- 'green button' seems like a mix up of two images and i don't think it is working - 'green light' would be cliche
To the orgasm that
rockets through them.

All in all an enjoyable read, interesting and witty observations on a suburban life. There are plenty of places where you could lose quite a few words and it would still read as you intended, I highlighted a few but there are more. Also losing the unnecessary would enable the piece to read more as poetry and less like a prose piece. At times your cutting to an image—like peeling an orange—is excellent and humorous, it seems almost cinematic in that it would work well in a film.

Thanks for the read,

Mark