06-11-2016, 06:34 AM
Ella, I really like this one and to me it is evidence of how much you've developed as a writer, but more importantly perhaps, as an editor. Your meter is perfect and natural-sounding, with some truly elegant language use.
I hear your pleas to start again, -- a strong opener. As you know, I'm a fan of the unnamed "you" -- I know this tends to upset some people, who demand that it's to a specific person, but poetic tradition and things that please us as poets would argue otherwise...
your longing to reclaim youth's yang, -- please don't change this. Yang is the only part you need -- the yin is implied, but yang is the brightness and the entire line suggests that wanting to go back would upset the natural balance.
to wear the supple skin again -- would you consider "to wear its supple skin again", referring to youth? This would also improve your sonics just the tiniest bit. Also, I really like the repetition of "again" -- this is the perfect place for it.
as if life were a boomerang. -- again, subtle but very effective. This is a perfect rhyme in my accent if I'm reading this aloud with the meter to support it.
Am I the only one who feels
one lifetime has been quite enough, -- I'd tend to put a question mark here.
whose scuffed up soul still quakes and reels
at images so sharp, so tough -- this line made me pause and re-read, as it shifts with the enjambment, which is a good thing but I am not keen on repeating "so" because it's just such a filler kind of word. I thought at first of "sharp-edged images" but that is a mouthful. Perhaps "at images too sharp and tough"... but then you're still stuck with fillers. I'd be going with "at ------ images, so tough" with a 2-syllable adjective in the blank. I wish I could come up with something better, sorry.
to comprehend as human cries
ring out to heavens born of dreams, -- you lose your grammatical sense in this line. Perhaps "that rise to heavens born of dreams"?
who's had their fill of truth, of lies
and soured on unending schemes? this line is a little difficult to say because of the diphthong on soured, then going to two words beginning with vowels in a row. Perhaps "and soured by" to speed it up just a bit.
I wonder if I'll feel the same
the day I'm stepping off this plane. -- because of the brilliance of this close, I'm going to magnanimously ignore the near rhyme
Quote:
I hear your pleas to start again, -- a strong opener. As you know, I'm a fan of the unnamed "you" -- I know this tends to upset some people, who demand that it's to a specific person, but poetic tradition and things that please us as poets would argue otherwise...
your longing to reclaim youth's yang, -- please don't change this. Yang is the only part you need -- the yin is implied, but yang is the brightness and the entire line suggests that wanting to go back would upset the natural balance.
to wear the supple skin again -- would you consider "to wear its supple skin again", referring to youth? This would also improve your sonics just the tiniest bit. Also, I really like the repetition of "again" -- this is the perfect place for it.
as if life were a boomerang. -- again, subtle but very effective. This is a perfect rhyme in my accent if I'm reading this aloud with the meter to support it.
Am I the only one who feels
one lifetime has been quite enough, -- I'd tend to put a question mark here.
whose scuffed up soul still quakes and reels
at images so sharp, so tough -- this line made me pause and re-read, as it shifts with the enjambment, which is a good thing but I am not keen on repeating "so" because it's just such a filler kind of word. I thought at first of "sharp-edged images" but that is a mouthful. Perhaps "at images too sharp and tough"... but then you're still stuck with fillers. I'd be going with "at ------ images, so tough" with a 2-syllable adjective in the blank. I wish I could come up with something better, sorry.
to comprehend as human cries
ring out to heavens born of dreams, -- you lose your grammatical sense in this line. Perhaps "that rise to heavens born of dreams"?
who's had their fill of truth, of lies
and soured on unending schemes? this line is a little difficult to say because of the diphthong on soured, then going to two words beginning with vowels in a row. Perhaps "and soured by" to speed it up just a bit.
I wonder if I'll feel the same
the day I'm stepping off this plane. -- because of the brilliance of this close, I'm going to magnanimously ignore the near rhyme
It could be worse