True
#6
(06-11-2016, 01:49 AM)Andrias Wrote:  
(06-09-2016, 06:41 AM)mitsuch Wrote:  True

Edit 1:

We stand in this delectable land, (lovely use of words here to describe a place)
a casing, enveloping truth. (Great Metaphor)

We live in a world sightless,
our faint ideas of the world. (Here I'm unsure about the word World twice in the same stanza, feels redundant)

A false belief is delivered,
a love that leaves us bland (I would've used Blind instead of bland imo, it sounds better, but overall this is okay)

a complex matrix of man,
a cloak over sincerity. (Love the way you portrayed man intrinsic complex nature here, again though I would've gone with in-sincerity, would make more sense to me.

An embrace, that fixates,
an untrue fleeting grace. (good rhyme scheme, but it kind of came out of nowhere, where was it previously?)

We lie at the mercy (Ahead) of us,
As we (lead) ourselves into the embrace.

Original :

We stand in this delectable land
A casing, enveloping truth

We live in a world sheathed,
Our faint ideas of the world

A false belief is delivered 
A love that leaves us bland 

A complex matrix of man
A cloak over genuine meaning 

An embrace that fixates
An untrue fleeting grace 

We lay at the mercy of us
As we let ourselves into the embrace 

I made a few modifications to it I felt sounded better, don't take it the wrong way, they're just suggestions
Thank you so much for the detailed review! I really like some of the suggestions, however some of them seem to be diverting the original meaning of the poem. I think due to the nature of my poem which allows it to be interpreted in many ways, you may have misunderstood what I had initially meant for it to mean. The nature of this poem is dark, it talks of the ignorance we have developed to the miseries and harsh truths of the world. Hence it is a cloak over sincerity, or genuinity, and not in-sincerity. However I like the detailed review a lot, it really helped. Thank you.

I'd like to explain the last stanza to you. Though it is redundant if one cannot understand it themselves, but this is what it was supposed to mean ; Our lives are only ours, and when the day comes to die, the only person who will go with you, is you. You lay at your own mercy, when you let yourself into the mysterious embrace of death.
(06-10-2016, 11:27 AM)dukealien Wrote:  Good edits.  (And you read the site's instructions on how to post them -  I didn't, first time around.)

Not to discourage further edits for sense and sound, but the inconsistency at "bland" might be a place to look at.  It does not have a period after, because the next verse is a sentence fragment unless it's a continuation... which breaks your system of two-line verses.  Alternatives are (but not limited to) a verb in the following verse so the sentence could close with a period at "bland," or joining the two verses to become one four-line verse.

(I was hoping another of our fine critics would chime in with different angles and criteria, but a lot of new poems have been posted recently.  Give them time:  new members will be looking for works to critique, and will find you in due course.)
Thank you so much, after one or two more posts on the poem, I will put in the second edit =)
We hold the world but as the world, is it what we see?
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Messages In This Thread
True - by mitsuch - 06-09-2016, 06:41 AM
RE: True - by dukealien - 06-09-2016, 12:42 PM
RE: True - by mitsuch - 06-09-2016, 04:11 PM
RE: True - by dukealien - 06-10-2016, 11:27 AM
RE: True - by Andrias - 06-11-2016, 01:49 AM
RE: True - by mitsuch - 06-11-2016, 02:07 AM
RE: True - by Todd - 06-11-2016, 04:45 AM
RE: True - by Slix343 - 06-12-2016, 04:25 AM
RE: True - by mitsuch - 06-12-2016, 05:42 PM
RE: True - by wipmp - 07-24-2016, 03:14 AM
RE: True - by Gabriel.k.Jones - 07-25-2016, 12:29 PM
RE: True - by oliviakristen - 07-28-2016, 11:42 PM
RE: True - by bluegypsea - 08-01-2016, 07:02 AM
RE: True - by QDeathstar - 08-02-2016, 09:08 AM
RE: True - by djNasty - 08-31-2016, 07:07 AM
RE: True - by CRNDLSM - 09-01-2016, 08:16 AM
RE: True - by D.MYST - 09-02-2016, 04:53 PM
RE: True - by operadiva - 09-11-2016, 03:58 AM
RE: True - by ForestWalker - 11-19-2016, 01:55 AM
RE: True - by Jo Frumple - 11-22-2016, 11:46 AM
RE: True - by Coquette16 - 11-24-2016, 10:24 AM



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