True
#5
(06-09-2016, 06:41 AM)mitsuch Wrote:  True

Edit 1:

We stand in this delectable land, (lovely use of words here to describe a place)
a casing, enveloping truth. (Great Metaphor)

We live in a world sightless,
our faint ideas of the world. (Here I'm unsure about the word World twice in the same stanza, feels redundant)

A false belief is delivered,
a love that leaves us bland (I would've used Blind instead of bland imo, it sounds better, but overall this is okay)

a complex matrix of man,
a cloak over sincerity. (Love the way you portrayed man intrinsic complex nature here, again though I would've gone with in-sincerity, would make more sense to me.

An embrace, that fixates,
an untrue fleeting grace. (good rhyme scheme, but it kind of came out of nowhere, where was it previously?)

We lie at the mercy (Ahead) of us,
As we (lead) ourselves into the embrace.

Original :

We stand in this delectable land
A casing, enveloping truth

We live in a world sheathed,
Our faint ideas of the world

A false belief is delivered 
A love that leaves us bland 

A complex matrix of man
A cloak over genuine meaning 

An embrace that fixates
An untrue fleeting grace 

We lay at the mercy of us
As we let ourselves into the embrace 

I made a few modifications to it I felt sounded better, don't take it the wrong way, they're just suggestions
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Messages In This Thread
True - by mitsuch - 06-09-2016, 06:41 AM
RE: True - by dukealien - 06-09-2016, 12:42 PM
RE: True - by mitsuch - 06-09-2016, 04:11 PM
RE: True - by dukealien - 06-10-2016, 11:27 AM
RE: True - by Andrias - 06-11-2016, 01:49 AM
RE: True - by mitsuch - 06-11-2016, 02:07 AM
RE: True - by Todd - 06-11-2016, 04:45 AM
RE: True - by Slix343 - 06-12-2016, 04:25 AM
RE: True - by mitsuch - 06-12-2016, 05:42 PM
RE: True - by wipmp - 07-24-2016, 03:14 AM
RE: True - by Gabriel.k.Jones - 07-25-2016, 12:29 PM
RE: True - by oliviakristen - 07-28-2016, 11:42 PM
RE: True - by bluegypsea - 08-01-2016, 07:02 AM
RE: True - by QDeathstar - 08-02-2016, 09:08 AM
RE: True - by djNasty - 08-31-2016, 07:07 AM
RE: True - by CRNDLSM - 09-01-2016, 08:16 AM
RE: True - by D.MYST - 09-02-2016, 04:53 PM
RE: True - by operadiva - 09-11-2016, 03:58 AM
RE: True - by ForestWalker - 11-19-2016, 01:55 AM
RE: True - by Jo Frumple - 11-22-2016, 11:46 AM
RE: True - by Coquette16 - 11-24-2016, 10:24 AM



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