06-10-2016, 11:27 AM
Good edits. (And you read the site's instructions on how to post them - I didn't, first time around.)
Not to discourage further edits for sense and sound, but the inconsistency at "bland" might be a place to look at. It does not have a period after, because the next verse is a sentence fragment unless it's a continuation... which breaks your system of two-line verses. Alternatives are (but not limited to) a verb in the following verse so the sentence could close with a period at "bland," or joining the two verses to become one four-line verse.
(I was hoping another of our fine critics would chime in with different angles and criteria, but a lot of new poems have been posted recently. Give them time: new members will be looking for works to critique, and will find you in due course.)
Not to discourage further edits for sense and sound, but the inconsistency at "bland" might be a place to look at. It does not have a period after, because the next verse is a sentence fragment unless it's a continuation... which breaks your system of two-line verses. Alternatives are (but not limited to) a verb in the following verse so the sentence could close with a period at "bland," or joining the two verses to become one four-line verse.
(I was hoping another of our fine critics would chime in with different angles and criteria, but a lot of new poems have been posted recently. Give them time: new members will be looking for works to critique, and will find you in due course.)
Non-practicing atheist