A Ship Launch - Edit 1 Dukealien, Kolemath

[Magpie]

Thanks for the critique Dukealien, you've made a lot of excellent suggestions. You know this is the first time I've posted a poem in the 'Serious' forum—it's only taken me just over three years—so I suppose I am somewhat apprehensive about what the response may be. So I am very pleased to see this as the first response, thank you it's very much appreciated.

Very enjoyable (in a bittersweet way).  Specifics interlinear, overal workshopping below.

A Ship Launch

When I was seven my Granda took me to see a ship launch.  Nice combination of dialect and message, implying the eager ship would launch herself
Hundreds of folk with union jacks and nautical smiles  "nautical" is good, I see it as more about the eyes than the mouth -- That wasn't my initial thought but it is the perfect way to see it
flooded the streets of Wallsend and floated buoyantly  good matching imagery, "buoyantly" indicating holiday mood.  On third reading, it's a small town but could a few hundred flood its streets?  More like sluicing through... -- Good point about flooding Wallsend as a whole... The image of crowded streets I have is of the streets closer to the shipyard and I also think I went for the shipping/nautical linked images like flooded, floated and buoyant without fully considering the implications. I'll rethink it.
two by two down into Swan Hunter's shipyard.  "two by two" implies yours was not the only dad-and-lad, but remains a bit cliche -- Ah, the 'two by two' was a reference to the ship's name the Ark but I see how it can be misunderstood and seen as cliche. Also just to clarify Granda is a Grandfather and not a Dad, I actually think that it may be a 'Geordie' (my dialect) word and it may cause some confusion - I'll look into it.

The Queen Mother was there in a posh frock  Hailing from the US, the theme of this verse and part of the next seems odd:  I see royalty as harmless and potentially inspiring rather than a foil for inspiration.  If that's your message, though, it's well expressed. -- I need to remind myself about these culture differences, although here it is fine because I haven't said anything that would be classed as anti-royal. I think that the class system and class identity is a lot stronger in Britain and a lot of 'outsiders' may find it odd or without reason. The working classes are extremely proud and passionate about being working class. We don't hate royalty... but as a scenario to have a royal, the Queen Mother no less in one of the most un-royal places possible is a bit quirky and bizarre. I couldn't not mention it.
and some said she looked bonny in her frilly hat,
but Granda said, "Cannit see it meesel son 
and anyways the days bonny enuff for us." -- This may seem odd to wonder, but I presume the dialect caused no trouble in understanding if you didn't mention it. Actually now that I've said that I've noticed 'son' which is why you possibly thought it was father and son. That's a geordie thing as well, anyone older than you will call you 'son' if you're a male...I may think on it

We hadn't come to see the fashions of a royal
but royalty fashioned in the building of a ship
on the banks of the Tyne in a yard of wonder 
the place where I stood with senses alive.  Though I can't put my finger on it, "alive" seems to need  more thrill - different word, or an adjective to intensify? -- Yeah, I was never happy with this line and I kind of compromised too easily. It needs rewriting

A faint salt breeze beneath the river's stench,
colliding steel clatters the seagulls screech.  Needs a comma, or perhaps an apostrophe appended to "seagulls" to make it possessive and "clatters" interestingly transitive.
Acetylene flames spit sparks into the sun  I see sparks against rather than into, just me. -- Technically you are right and I don't know why I said 'into' but there's something about it that I like. Possibly the comparable power between the sun and welding sparks to a seven year old.
as an oil drum thunders down a metal ramp.  Can this be modified to eliminate the "a" ? -- I'll give it a shot

A rhythm, a pulse, alive.

Cacophonous klaxons scream a pathway clear,  "Cacaphonous" seems a bit much (IMHO); making "scream" transitive is good
huge sentinel cranes swivel, pivot and rise.  This and the next two lines seem a bit clumsy, which may be intentional:  heavy machinery is not kung-fu fighters.  A suggestion:  could the sentinel cranes be presenting arms? -- I spent so long on this stanza and going back to it over and again, and still I wasn't completely happy with it. The cranes being 'sentinels' was an early idea that I never developed yet I seem to have taken the word perhaps without good reason.
Synchronised forklifts pirouette on an axis
as dismantled scaffolding is thrown onto a heap,

A rhythm, a pulse, alive.  Good repetition.

Electricity crackles, sparks and arcs to fuse,
the white hot welders flame rumbles as it fires.  "fires" is unexpected - "burns?"
Syncopated hammers beat a ragtime groove  Lovely how the line rhythm matches the content here.
as a distant pneumatic drill trembles the ground.  Another imaginative transitive ("trembles").

A rhythm, a pulse, alive.

Everywhere beaming smiles 
beneath hard hats on hard heads.

Everywhere pride.

And at the centre around which everything else orbited  Could be smoothed with "'round" and "all" for "around" and "everything." -- Excellent - I agree - it reads so much better - cheers for that one
the Ark Royal stood silently slumbering on the slipway  I itch to remove that initial "the" and replace "silently" with "silent" and a comma.  Just a thought. -- Ark Royal on it its own as a name doesn't sound right, however I like your idea and there is another way of achieving it by replacing 'the' with HMS which would be her proper title HMS Ark Royal. I was in some ways trying to avoid it because I wanted the ship to be the most important and powerful character. To call it Her Majesty's Ship might alter that.
an anaesthetised behemoth soon to be awoken
and set free from the hammer and the anvil.  Suggest "forge for "anvil?" -- I think I would if 'forge' didn't have a meaning also criminal counterfeiting.

Enormous serpents of rust lay coiled in her shade
poised to pounce should she still need a final shackling  Took me until this last word to realize you were talking about chains here - nice buildup
before a river baptism and the seas confirmation 
opened all points on her compass to endless horizons.

I don't remember waiting,
or the passage of time.
No countdown crescendo. 
No flag fluttering fanfare.  This line doesn't work for me, though it's original.
No building of anticipation and precipice
drop.
No bottle swinging concussed,  I find this line and the next odd, perhaps intended to turn the aspect of pride around. -- Yeah, don't know what was going here with the bottle. I think I just lost the plot for a bit.
helpless at the end of a rope.  Suggestion:  "at a rope's end" (sounds more nautical to me (g) )

I remember the skyline slowly moving
as the giant grey beast woke up moaning.
Gathering an unstoppable momentum.  Could "an" be eliminated? -- Definitely
Down and down shaking the ground.
How she howled as her metal shuddered
and how she screamed the rest of the way
until she met the river with an almighty thunderous
boom that sent a tumultuous wave surging towards the far bank.  "tumultuous" breaks up the wave here a bit, IMHO.

Then, without warning
there came a furious rasping hiss
and in an impetuous rage 
the serpents gave chase.

Violently jolting and shedding their skin
as they uncoiled and hurtled to the water,
leaving behind a thick cloud of rust
that obscured everything from view.  Different word for "obscured?"

Gradually

the haze cleared to reveal

emptiness.

A decayed wasteland, half a decades dilapidation.  decade's

Workers, wizards, well wishers all vanished  "fond well-wishers vanished" just for the flow?
and in their place half dismantled cranes lay strewn 
across the storm battered yard, roofless fabrication sheds collapsed  "storm-battered?"
onto seaweed carpeted slipways, scaffolding poles and pylons
toppled, power cables ripped from concrete, concrete ripped from earth  very nice line
the whole damn forest completely upended.  "all" for "completely?"
No saplings, no roots, no life except rats—bigger than ever
—and the stray cats that refuse to leave the home they've known for years. -- I agree with all of these little changes of words or punctuation that you've suggested.

"Wu used to build ships here ye knaa",
Granda reminds the cats as he hands
out the last of the food we brought for them.  I don't quite see the purpose of placing "out" on this line rather than the last.

A lot of suggestions, offered with hopes that even one will be found useful. -- There's a hell of lot more than just one useful suggestion, there are many It's a good poem, keeps the reader's attention and sympathy (in my case even empathy).   As I understand it, the yard cranes and other equipment were eventually knocked down and set up again in India. -- Yes, it's strange to think that this is possible. The Tyne river was world famous for building ships. There was one version of the poem that had the line "we've always built ships, that's what we do" and for many many years that was true but all of our industry suffered partly due to a conservative government and partly to do with asian countries being able to build ships a lot cheaper. And they are mega efficient, I read this on wikipedia the other day, "South Korea's shipyards are highly efficient, with the world's largest shipyard in Ulsan operated by Hyundai Heavy Industries slipping a newly built, $80 million vessel into the water every four working days." Truly staggering.
We used to lead the world in supplying coal and that died too. 
The world changes always, but some things are hard to let go, heritage is very important.

A contrasting poem on ship-breaking (running old ships up on the mud in Bangladesh, then taking them apart) could be interesting.  Not for me:  I lack first-hand knowledge, other than looking over the wrecks on Point Arguello.

Thanks for the excellent critique, I will post an edit within the next week.

Much appreciated,

Mark