A Ship Launch - Edit 1 Dukealien, Kolemath

[dukealien]

Very enjoyable (in a bittersweet way).  Specifics interlinear, overal workshopping below.

A Ship Launch

When I was seven my Granda took me to see a ship launch.  Nice combination of dialect and message, implying the eager ship would launch herself
Hundreds of folk with union jacks and nautical smiles  "nautical" is good, I see it as more about the eyes than the mouth
flooded the streets of Wallsend and floated buoyantly  good matching imagery, "buoyantly" indicating holiday mood.  On third reading, it's a small town but could a few hundred flood its streets?  More like sluicing through...
two by two down into Swan Hunter's shipyard.  "two by two" implies yours was not the only dad-and-lad, but remains a bit cliche

The Queen Mother was there in a posh frock  Hailing from the US, the theme of this verse and part of the next seems odd:  I see royalty as harmless and potentially inspiring rather than a foil for inspiration.  If that's your message, though, it's well expressed.
and some said she looked bonny in her frilly hat,
but Granda said, "Cannit see it meesel son 
and anyways the days bonny enuff for us."

We hadn't come to see the fashions of a royal
but royalty fashioned in the building of a ship
on the banks of the Tyne in a yard of wonder 
the place where I stood with senses alive.  Though I can't put my finger on it, "alive" seems to need  more thrill - different word, or an adjective to intensify?

A faint salt breeze beneath the river's stench,
colliding steel clatters the seagulls screech.  Needs a comma, or perhaps an apostrophe appended to "seagulls" to make it possessive and "clatters" interestingly transitive.
Acetylene flames spit sparks into the sun  I see sparks against rather than into, just me.
as an oil drum thunders down a metal ramp.  Can this be modified to eliminate the "a" ?

A rhythm, a pulse, alive.

Cacophonous klaxons scream a pathway clear,  "Cacaphonous" seems a bit much (IMHO); making "scream" transitive is good
huge sentinel cranes swivel, pivot and rise.  This and the next two lines seem a bit clumsy, which may be intentional:  heavy machinery is not kung-fu fighters.  A suggestion:  could the sentinel cranes be presenting arms?
Synchronised forklifts pirouette on an axis
as dismantled scaffolding is thrown onto a heap,

A rhythm, a pulse, alive.  Good repetition.

Electricity crackles, sparks and arcs to fuse,
the white hot welders flame rumbles as it fires.  "fires" is unexpected - "burns?"
Syncopated hammers beat a ragtime groove  Lovely how the line rhythm matches the content here.
as a distant pneumatic drill trembles the ground.  Another imaginative transitive ("trembles").

A rhythm, a pulse, alive.

Everywhere beaming smiles 
beneath hard hats on hard heads.

Everywhere pride.

And at the centre around which everything else orbited  Could be smoothed with "'round" and "all" for "around" and "everything."
the Ark Royal stood silently slumbering on the slipway  I itch to remove that initial "the" and replace "silently" with "silent" and a comma.  Just a thought.
an anaesthetised behemoth soon to be awoken
and set free from the hammer and the anvil.  Suggest "forge for "anvil?"

Enormous serpents of rust lay coiled in her shade
poised to pounce should she still need a final shackling  Took me until this last word to realize you were talking about chains here - nice buildup
before a river baptism and the seas confirmation 
opened all points on her compass to endless horizons.

I don't remember waiting,
or the passage of time.
No countdown crescendo. 
No flag fluttering fanfare.  This line doesn't work for me, though it's original.
No building of anticipation and precipice
drop.
No bottle swinging concussed,  I find this line and the next odd, perhaps intended to turn the aspect of pride around.
helpless at the end of a rope.  Suggestion:  "at a rope's end" (sounds more nautical to me (g) )

I remember the skyline slowly moving
as the giant grey beast woke up moaning.
Gathering an unstoppable momentum.  Could "an" be eliminated?
Down and down shaking the ground.
How she howled as her metal shuddered
and how she screamed the rest of the way
until she met the river with an almighty thunderous
boom that sent a tumultuous wave surging towards the far bank.  "tumultuous" breaks up the wave here a bit, IMHO.

Then, without warning
there came a furious rasping hiss
and in an impetuous rage 
the serpents gave chase.

Violently jolting and shedding their skin
as they uncoiled and hurtled to the water,
leaving behind a thick cloud of rust
that obscured everything from view.  Different word for "obscured?"

Gradually

the haze cleared to reveal

emptiness.

A decayed wasteland, half a decades dilapidation.  decade's

Workers, wizards, well wishers all vanished  "fond well-wishers vanished" just for the flow?
and in their place half dismantled cranes lay strewn 
across the storm battered yard, roofless fabrication sheds collapsed  "storm-battered?"
onto seaweed carpeted slipways, scaffolding poles and pylons
toppled, power cables ripped from concrete, concrete ripped from earth  very nice line
the whole damn forest completely upended.  "all" for "completely?"
No saplings, no roots, no life except rats—bigger than ever
—and the stray cats that refuse to leave the home they've known for years.

"Wu used to build ships here ye knaa",
Granda reminds the cats as he hands
out the last of the food we brought for them.  I don't quite see the purpose of placing "out" on this line rather than the last.

A lot of suggestions, offered with hopes that even one will be found useful.  It's a good poem, keeps the reader's attention and sympathy (in my case even empathy).   As I understand it, the yard cranes and other equipment were eventually knocked down and set up again in India.

A contrasting poem on ship-breaking (running old ships up on the mud in Bangladesh, then taking them apart) could be interesting.  Not for me:  I lack first-hand knowledge, other than looking over the wrecks on Point Arguello.