06-09-2016, 12:10 AM
Hey! overall I am getting the messages, but some of the stanzas are unneeded and most people would not understand why you have included what you have included. I enjoyed the poem, however some rhymes are being forced, and a lot of lines require rephrasing so as to maintain the flow of the poem. I have provided line by line feedback below. All feedback is within square brackets. I couldn't figure out how to use bold etc. until I was done =P
Thanks for the read.
I remember a time when I was but a boy;
I watched, enraptured, my country's flag waving almost in joy.
There was no hate then, not to my eyes;
No color, no sex or fervent battle cries.
There were problems, even then my young mind knew;
But to me, the people would see each other through.
Two short decades later, my world has turned to strife;
Brother against brother, each wielding his own knife. - [Seems forced, if you are really set on using only rhymes, make sure, like others have said that they don't stick out.]
In times where patriotism is met with a cold sneer;
Our flag they burn while others cheer. - [I am not completely sure of the meaning of "while others cheer". Are we talking about other countries or people surrounding the fire? Then the use of the word "they" needs to be edited.]
Issues of great controversy waved about; - [The use of the word controversy leads to an unpleasant, jarred reading of the line. Try to come up with a better word.]
Our country's greatness cast in doubt.
The fights that would build us up and make us strong;
Poison us against each other, all we see is wrong. - ["Poision us...other" doesn't exactly make sense. You can use something like "Pose us..."]
No more standing United against those who seek to do harm;
We've fallen prey to the instigators' charm.
I once sought to do my part, to fix what I could;
Like many before me, I enlisted to do some good. - [Would put a comma after enlisted to show the interval in the poem of a change in setting. Adds emphasis.]
To serve and protect, defend my brother, your sister, and our mothers; - ["my brother, your sister and our mothers" just elongates the line and again makes it a jarred read. Edit.]
To keep the country I believed in safe from all others.
My brothers and sisters fought and died, gave their all for their dreams of a better tomorrow; - [I would say this line being longer than others cuts from the flow of the poem, try to shorten it.]
They took the hit meant for others on themselves, no time for thoughts of sorrow.
When I was young, I took life for granted, unaware it was a gift; - [I like the wording of this stanza]
Naive to the burden I would one day lift.
My pack was taken by better people, just as unprepared as me; -[ Im not quite sure what pack means here. and "same designs" is not great wording for putting across your meaning clearly. ]
They were young with the same designs to see our country free.
Free from hate, oppression and self war;
It seems that some back at home forgot what we all are fighting for.
The strength of this country isn't the leaders, the law or even its land;
The backbone of our country is its people - standing hand in hand.
No race, no creed, no religion or definitive sex - no distraction; - [This isn't really a valid point to put in here as someone else mentioned...]
All of us together to give change traction.
When I was young, I believed in this country and what we stood for, - [I liked this stanza. Great message. However the initial line is a bit generic. Maybe change the wording?]
Now that I'm older, I believe in the people standing at an open door.
The door to a brighter tomorrow, where we as a people can be as one; - [Grammatical error ; "we as people"]
All of us together being ourselves, the conflict done.
When I was a boy, I dared to believe, as most children do; - [The last segment of the first line is unneeded.]
Now as an adult, I would be happy to walk with you.
Toward this new land and a new state of life for all;
Where a truly United people stand tall.
Thanks for the read.
I remember a time when I was but a boy;
I watched, enraptured, my country's flag waving almost in joy.
There was no hate then, not to my eyes;
No color, no sex or fervent battle cries.
There were problems, even then my young mind knew;
But to me, the people would see each other through.
Two short decades later, my world has turned to strife;
Brother against brother, each wielding his own knife. - [Seems forced, if you are really set on using only rhymes, make sure, like others have said that they don't stick out.]
In times where patriotism is met with a cold sneer;
Our flag they burn while others cheer. - [I am not completely sure of the meaning of "while others cheer". Are we talking about other countries or people surrounding the fire? Then the use of the word "they" needs to be edited.]
Issues of great controversy waved about; - [The use of the word controversy leads to an unpleasant, jarred reading of the line. Try to come up with a better word.]
Our country's greatness cast in doubt.
The fights that would build us up and make us strong;
Poison us against each other, all we see is wrong. - ["Poision us...other" doesn't exactly make sense. You can use something like "Pose us..."]
No more standing United against those who seek to do harm;
We've fallen prey to the instigators' charm.
I once sought to do my part, to fix what I could;
Like many before me, I enlisted to do some good. - [Would put a comma after enlisted to show the interval in the poem of a change in setting. Adds emphasis.]
To serve and protect, defend my brother, your sister, and our mothers; - ["my brother, your sister and our mothers" just elongates the line and again makes it a jarred read. Edit.]
To keep the country I believed in safe from all others.
My brothers and sisters fought and died, gave their all for their dreams of a better tomorrow; - [I would say this line being longer than others cuts from the flow of the poem, try to shorten it.]
They took the hit meant for others on themselves, no time for thoughts of sorrow.
When I was young, I took life for granted, unaware it was a gift; - [I like the wording of this stanza]
Naive to the burden I would one day lift.
My pack was taken by better people, just as unprepared as me; -[ Im not quite sure what pack means here. and "same designs" is not great wording for putting across your meaning clearly. ]
They were young with the same designs to see our country free.
Free from hate, oppression and self war;
It seems that some back at home forgot what we all are fighting for.
The strength of this country isn't the leaders, the law or even its land;
The backbone of our country is its people - standing hand in hand.
No race, no creed, no religion or definitive sex - no distraction; - [This isn't really a valid point to put in here as someone else mentioned...]
All of us together to give change traction.
When I was young, I believed in this country and what we stood for, - [I liked this stanza. Great message. However the initial line is a bit generic. Maybe change the wording?]
Now that I'm older, I believe in the people standing at an open door.
The door to a brighter tomorrow, where we as a people can be as one; - [Grammatical error ; "we as people"]
All of us together being ourselves, the conflict done.
When I was a boy, I dared to believe, as most children do; - [The last segment of the first line is unneeded.]
Now as an adult, I would be happy to walk with you.
Toward this new land and a new state of life for all;
Where a truly United people stand tall.
We hold the world but as the world, is it what we see?