06-07-2016, 09:43 PM
The first thing I think of when I read this poem is that it is telling the reader what is going on, but not showing them. I think the line about the Dr. Pepper on the bus comes closest to "showing" language; maybe add more imagery like that in to replace the lines that are more "telling". (Ex. "I said things i didn't actually say / I did things i didn't actually do." What did you say that you didn't say? What did you do that you didn't do?) I understand that you're writing out the thoughts that run through your head when you experience anxiety, but they might be more poetically effective when replaced with more descriptive statements. I would suggest using strong adjectives and invoking the five senses to paint a more vivid picture of anxiety to the reader.