No Apollo

[milo]

So, again, good opening idea, but ultimately, bplffft. Might be better as just

Today I ran, and the Sun shone.
I envy the Sun,
who alone knows
the things you enjoy.

though that still feels a little too prosaic.

'He knows the things that bring joy to the people he's touched' 

is not quite fully contained in your
 
'who alone knows the things you enjoy.'


I am genuinely surprised that critics seem convinced the repetition was without purpose. Still I guess I am learning something.

Bplfft indeed.

D.

Much like any poetic device, repetition needs to service the reader or it fails. Whatever the purpose is here, it's not clear on reading so it serves rather as a distraction. A focus on editing might be to make the repetition serve the reader more or make its need clearer.