06-06-2016, 10:24 PM
(06-06-2016, 08:41 PM)DavidF Wrote: Today I ran, and the Sun shone, This line feels like the main weight of the piece. After this line....
and I thought of you. ....it deflates. Who is "you" here? Even the following sentiment doesn't bring that out clearly enough....
I envy the Sun ....I mean, this line has a ton of potential, especially with the title's reference to Apollo, but....
for he knows
he knows the things ....first you have this line, which is really just a repetition of the earlier line's last words and the next line's beginnings (which themselves have not yet earned the thematic weight to actually make them repeatable; "knows" and "things" aren't even noteworthy words by themselves!)....
the things that bring joy ....and then this line, which is really just too wordy....
to the people he's touched. ....and finally this line, which, really, what do we care about people? Especially since people here refers to practically everyone -- few people ever actually live and die in only caves -- and the poem doesn't seem to be the humanist piece it might be better off being (again, that "you"). So, again, good opening idea, but ultimately, bplffft. Might be better as just
Today I ran, and the Sun shone.
I envy the Sun,
who alone knows
the things you enjoy.
though that still feels a little too prosaic.