06-06-2016, 02:19 PM
Hi, I really liked this.
Taking the time to enjoy it over I found I had not much to criticise that wasn't answered by more careful reading.
But the opening line leaves me a little confused still. I am not sure what the word 'genetic' is doing there.
Maybe you are inviting the comparison of genocide with displacement and I am irked that I'm only just putting that together as I type.
One other thing 'rooted in the mud', for some reason I seem to want 'root' and not 'rooted'. Can't really say why.
I would also have liked 'Would you ever have guessed' because it feels so much nicer to say and read. Again just a matter of personal prejudice, and I appreciate that 'ever have' might seem archaic.
D.
Taking the time to enjoy it over I found I had not much to criticise that wasn't answered by more careful reading.
But the opening line leaves me a little confused still. I am not sure what the word 'genetic' is doing there.
Maybe you are inviting the comparison of genocide with displacement and I am irked that I'm only just putting that together as I type.
One other thing 'rooted in the mud', for some reason I seem to want 'root' and not 'rooted'. Can't really say why.
I would also have liked 'Would you ever have guessed' because it feels so much nicer to say and read. Again just a matter of personal prejudice, and I appreciate that 'ever have' might seem archaic.
D.
(06-01-2016, 04:53 AM)Leanne Wrote: We are the genetic dispossessed,
born not of man and woman, but of graft
and gutter; we are blown upon your draft
and rooted in the mud. We manifest
in khaki dreams of dark, forbidden breast
and echo on your screens. You used to craft
a turban from a towel – oh, how you laughed
and called us names. Would you have ever guessed
that when you’d grown, the names would be the same?
But not in jest -- in ridicule and shame.
Did you imagine children in the sand
with castles made of bone, a rousing game
of Blind Man’s Buff, or Little Lucy’s Lame?
It’s your turn at the dice: hold out your hand.

