Torn

[ellajam]

Hi, Marymic, welcome to the Pen. This poem is very successful in some ways and not so much in others. The clarity is great, I know what it is saying. There is some lovely phrasing and I like your choice of breaks. Weaknesses for me: I don't think your choices for the first word of each line warrant the emphasis of automatic capitalization of each line, I think the poem would work better without it. If you like to work without punctuation I think you could easily lose the two commas, or full punctuation I don't think would hurt the poem. The biggie: This is an emotional poem that doesn't quite make me feel it, just a little too much on the "tell" side at points, I'll try to figure out why and where in the notes below.

You welcome me with one hand
And shun me with the other
How do I know
Whether to open my heart
Or seal it, watertight
 This opening strope is weak for me, it clearly states the situation, but I would prefer an instance where this is clear rather than just being told this. Too flat for an emotional poem, for me.

You want something from me
Things doing, things being Thing doing is a bit odd, you could do better here.
Treasured habits and comfort ways
Which don’t fit my naked me Again, I'd prefer an example. I like the idea of "naked me" more than the actual line.
 
I want things too
To do and be
With you in easy softness
Coming out of the cold shadow
To feel felt
And frighteningly safe
 The above four lines are strong and beautiful, I like easy softness and the coming/cold sound.

So I freeze and wait
until I know
which hand is really you
I don't think you need the last two lines.

So, it seems the strength of the poem lies in the third strope for me. The comments ended up a bit harsher than I thought they would but that's my read of it. I think you have the core of something and I'm intereted in it enough that I hope you can make it into something with a real wallop. Good luck with it.