Without Laces (formerly called - Now I Wear Slip On Shoes)

[Magpie]

I really love this  At the beginning, I'm expecting Uncle George to tell a story or share a bit of wisdom. Then it seems like you're setting up a joke. The ending seems to come out of nowhere, yet looking back the signs were there I just wasn't paying attention. I like that you led the reader on the same journey as the narrator. And the title change was perfect.

Thank you Lizzie, I was particularly going for the effect of an unexpected ending but if that's the way it comes across then I'm happy with that because I like those type of poems too.

Thanks for reading,

Mark

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It was mysterious before and macabre now. Kinda like 'jingles from Abu Ghraib'. Not too hot.
I think you need a summary at the end to soften the blow. I vote for reinstating the original line.

Ah, you've got me in two minds now. I see what you mean. I like both versions in some ways because the effect is so different in both, but I definitely wasn't trying to be macabre. I'll think on it for a while a see what I'm thinking then.

Thanks for the read and the input,

Mark

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I agree with Achebe. I thought the first time had more punch, what with that mystery, while still being macabre -- now, it's just macabre. No way a bad piece, just a blander one, for me.

Slightly unrelated note: right before I saw you post this, I was skipping through scenes of the film "The Red Shoes". Huh.

Thanks for the input, as I said with Achebe I am now in two minds and I definitely see the issue. The one problem that the edit did get rid of was the fact that I wasn't happy with the title being basically the same as the last line, which I think was a bit lazy on my part.

I definitely think about these issues and then see how I feel then,

Thanks for reading,

Mark