06-02-2016, 12:47 PM
(06-02-2016, 06:27 AM)Jonsy3k Wrote: I remember a time when I was but a boy; showing works better than telling in poetry
I watched, enraptured, my country's flag waving almost in joy. i think you have extra words here, you could loose either watched or enraptured for instance, and you could cut almost
There was no hate then, not to my eyes;
No color, no sex or fervent battle cries. not sure what you mean by no sex.
There were problems, even then my young mind knew; generic statement + awkward phrasing = bad
But to me, the people would see each other through.
Two short decades later, my world has turned to strife;
Brother against brother, each wielding his own knife. "We don't need a bigger knife, Cause we got guns, we got guns, we got guns, We got guns, you better run "
In times where patriotism is met with a cold sneer;
Our flag they burn while others cheer.
Issues of great controversy waved about; if you are going to write 20 lines on the subject, some specifics would be nice
Our country's greatness cast in doubt. botswana's greatness was never in doubt
The fights that would build us up and make us strong;
Poison us against each other, all we see is wrong.
No more standing United against those who seek to do harm;
We've fallen prey to the instigators' charm. no idea what youre on about now. but I do know that harm and charm rhyme, so we have that.
I once sought to do my part, to fix what I could;
Like many before me, I enlisted to do some good.
To serve and protect, defend my brother, your sister, and our mothers;
To keep the country I believed in safe from all others. well, thank you for serving.
My brothers and sisters fought and died, gave their all for their dreams of a better tomorrow;
They took the hit meant for others on themselves, no time for thoughts of sorrow.
When I was young, I took life for granted, unaware it was a gift;
Naive to the burden I would one day lift.
My pack was taken by better people, just as unprepared as me;
They were young with the same designs to see our country free.
Free from hate, oppression and self war;
It seems that some back at home forgot what we all are fighting for.
The strength of this country isn't the leaders, the law or even its land;
The backbone of our country is its people - standing hand in hand.
No race, no creed, no religion or definitive sex - no distraction; i honestly have no idea what you are talking about. Things for trannies and faggots was way worse in the 80s and 90s than it is now. Right now we are debating if they should use the bathroom they want. In the eighties they were debating if trannie bashing was acceptable.
All of us together to give change traction. change isn't necessarily good, poem doesn't say what change will bring, and I mean, your really working hard on the rhymes here. can't tell which word was used for the sole purpose of making it rhyme, maybe it was both?
When I was young, I believed in this country and what we stood for,
Now that I'm older, I believe in the people standing at an open door.
The door to a brighter tomorrow, where we as a people can be as one;
All of us together being ourselves, the conflict done.
When I was a boy, I dared to believe, as most children do;
Now as an adult, I would be happy to walk with you.
Toward this new land and a new state of life for all;
Where a truly United people stand tall.
key points:
the poem is too generic, be specific
if you've heard the phrase before, cut it out. it cheapens your message
your poem needs to have WHYS. Why should I care, why should we change, why. why. why.
Avoid choosing a word just because it rhymes. It sticks out like a sore thumb.
cut. avoid filler.