06-01-2016, 02:11 AM
Hi Lizzie,
I was away from a computer this weekend and can't stand to do critiques on my phone. So, I missed commenting on the original. Here are some comments for you now.
I had a similar thought when my oldest son was born. He arrived on the day Michael Jackson died, and while Jackson was no Gacy I still felt a sense of symmetry and that my son was safer in some way. Even though that is ridiculous. It's just where my mind went.
To your poem:
Sweat, edit 1.
Today I started to sweat, still waiting --Your title already establishes sweat this feels like an unnecessary repetition that you could cut. "Still waiting is all that is necessary really though that may suggest a bit of line reshaping. I saw there was some discussion on regular/irregular meter. I'm mostly just looking at content and perceived filler.
for my son to come home safe. --don't really like the repetion of for between the lines though I do like the for/forgot below.
For one iced moment, my bowels forgot
that John Wayne Gacy is frying in hell,
his skin burning crispy like the chicken he peddled,--This line reads a little awkward to me. I like his skin burning crispy but I think it might read better leading the line with crispy and cutting what came before.
and I don't believe in reincarnation. --This is a much better choice than past lives. Past lives might make me think Gacy could have been Cleopatra. It's much better to focus toward not believing in next lives. Good choice.
I hope some of that helps.
Best,
Todd
I was away from a computer this weekend and can't stand to do critiques on my phone. So, I missed commenting on the original. Here are some comments for you now.
I had a similar thought when my oldest son was born. He arrived on the day Michael Jackson died, and while Jackson was no Gacy I still felt a sense of symmetry and that my son was safer in some way. Even though that is ridiculous. It's just where my mind went.
To your poem:
(05-28-2016, 09:16 AM)lizziep Wrote:
Sweat, edit 1.
Today I started to sweat, still waiting --Your title already establishes sweat this feels like an unnecessary repetition that you could cut. "Still waiting is all that is necessary really though that may suggest a bit of line reshaping. I saw there was some discussion on regular/irregular meter. I'm mostly just looking at content and perceived filler.
for my son to come home safe. --don't really like the repetion of for between the lines though I do like the for/forgot below.
For one iced moment, my bowels forgot
that John Wayne Gacy is frying in hell,
his skin burning crispy like the chicken he peddled,--This line reads a little awkward to me. I like his skin burning crispy but I think it might read better leading the line with crispy and cutting what came before.
and I don't believe in reincarnation. --This is a much better choice than past lives. Past lives might make me think Gacy could have been Cleopatra. It's much better to focus toward not believing in next lives. Good choice.
I hope some of that helps.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson