Too Much Coffee edit 1

[Magpie]

Hi Kolemath, another interesting concept that you've got here. I note that the use of 'white space' in your last poem was not a one night stand for the sake of being adventurous and indeed it is back just as white and just as spacious in this poem. 

Too much Coffee
 
The day
 
begins
 
Grog -- I understand that in the latter part of your poem you dispense with punctuation altogether to help illustrate the haphazardly maniakick feeling of the caffeine hit which I agree is a good idea. But for this device to work really well in this poem I feel as though there should an opposite or contrast, if the whole poem doesn't give a sweet eff about punctuation then it all risks becoming a crazy mess. Actually, just looking at the whole poem in terms of 'white space' it looks the most crazy and disorganised at the times when you haven't had any caffeine. I would reverse the whole look... you want to be able to use the sharp short choppy lines for the caffeine and have the longer languid lines for the lethargic moments. Anyway, I'll get back to the critique that I was about to do. I actually raised the punctuation issue because 'Grog' was capitalised so I presume 'The day begins" is a sentence, which doesn't work for me. Perhaps think about using 'groggily' or 'grogginess'
 
RRMPFF  -- If this is meant to be onomatopoeic, then you really must try harder to come up with a sound. For some bizarre reason I actually 'googled' it and found a Mr. Rumpff living in Holland.
 
O.K.
let me              get
 
up
 
And
 
dressed     drive
 
park     at the coffee house
 
            “I’ll have the dark roast please.”
And                 now
it’s
 
on with the day as I skim time -- Right, this is the part where you should be getting a chance to mess with syntax creatively to give that manic feel... You could of had something like
And   now  it's on!
The day is on,
it's on with the day
me
skimming time
rushing
darting
me
a precision laser
rushing and darting precision -- It's still all your words but it reads more manic and caffeine like.
like a laser on the screen
a cheetah hunting paper work
heart pounding ten times the seconds until
Day shift done
 
But
the night
shift
comes
with                 it
 
another
 
“Cup of dark roast please.” And  
I blaze through the night like a bolt through a tree -- I love this line, just need to include 'lightning' before 'bolt' as it could be read differently
blare through the work like a tuba underwater
blurp blurping big bubbles of progress then back
home for the night and that dark roast sure does have me
awake and ready to blareblazerace through -- I know it says blare blaze race but I keep also seeing 'blazer ace' which is good and manically offbeat.
 
what?
 
Through my sleep time, that’s what, won’t sleep
until past midnight which leads past REM and back into 
 
wake            up
to
drink               up
 
another
                        day

I've probably said too much already for mild critique so before I get sidetracked again and ramble on I shall terminate this critique.

Cool idea, cool poem,
need to think more about the best way to present it.

Thanks for the read,

Mark