05-27-2016, 01:09 PM
Hi Ivana,
This has got better with each edit, which is what it's all about here. I'm glad to see that you waited a while between edit2 and edit3, the temptation is always to edit immediately and a lot of times it comes out worse, but yours is spot on.
I feel almost guilty about the final two things that you left out as I suggested it, I do however think that it works better now.
Just a couple of thoughts on your new edit, nothing too serious, firstly you can spell woosh as whoosh the dictionary says that they are the same but I prefer to hear a tiny difference in there, it's up to you for the exact sound you are wanting. Also, I don't know if I am misunderstanding the bells reference but in such a musically and sonically expressive piece to say, 'bells that sound' seems a bit odd, alarms sound, but bells?
Thanks for the read again, it has been good to see this poem develop.
Mark
This has got better with each edit, which is what it's all about here. I'm glad to see that you waited a while between edit2 and edit3, the temptation is always to edit immediately and a lot of times it comes out worse, but yours is spot on.
I feel almost guilty about the final two things that you left out as I suggested it, I do however think that it works better now.
Just a couple of thoughts on your new edit, nothing too serious, firstly you can spell woosh as whoosh the dictionary says that they are the same but I prefer to hear a tiny difference in there, it's up to you for the exact sound you are wanting. Also, I don't know if I am misunderstanding the bells reference but in such a musically and sonically expressive piece to say, 'bells that sound' seems a bit odd, alarms sound, but bells?
Thanks for the read again, it has been good to see this poem develop.
Mark
wae aye man ye radgie