05-27-2016, 06:14 AM
Off to bed in my part of the world but just wanted to say real quick-- in your edit you give up on a lot of really nice elements that you had in the first poem. I liked the spacing at the end (train slowing down as someone said), and the ending, minus the last statement, was really strong. In the original your rhyming-at-the-beginning-but-not-at-the-end worked. In the edit it feels wrong. Plus the Bob-Joe-Theo part in the original was much strong in my opinion. The Joe-John-Jane line in the edit is nice but so was the similar line in the previous version.
Sometimes edits have to get further away before they can get closer. All part of the creative process; you need to experiment and see what you like best. In the end that's what it comes down to. My opinion is mine-- yours as the author is much more important.
-jc
PS No need to clean up stanzas or compress anything if that's not what your poem is asking for! And trains go on long journeys... so maybe that's not called for here. Your call.
PPS Generally you should post the edit in the original post. Click "edit" under the original and add it above, labelled as edit
Sometimes edits have to get further away before they can get closer. All part of the creative process; you need to experiment and see what you like best. In the end that's what it comes down to. My opinion is mine-- yours as the author is much more important.
-jc
PS No need to clean up stanzas or compress anything if that's not what your poem is asking for! And trains go on long journeys... so maybe that's not called for here. Your call.
PPS Generally you should post the edit in the original post. Click "edit" under the original and add it above, labelled as edit
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The howling beast is back.
The howling beast is back.