Laundry Line, Edit #2

[Todd]

Hi Lizzie, 

Let me give you some comments on the revision.

Laundry Line, Rewrite 1:




Cream sheets and blue jeans
       speak in flaps, laugh in snaps--This may just be a style issue. I wonder about laugh in snaps. It's hard for me to imagine that. I would be tempted to condense but again it may just be a style difference and not really a flaw. Something like: "speak in flaps and snaps/in witty, one line whip-cracks."
              and witty, one-line whip-cracks.--Like this


              Old-fashioned wood pins,
       two or maybe three,
leave firm marks.


Down-stretched arms wave,--Not sure if I like down-stretched. I think more simple image may serve better. Shirts arms wave (that would make a small change necessary on the pendulum line).
       a breezy trapeze.
              Shirts pendulum,
                     inviting flight.--These three lines to me are excellent imagery.


                     Work-worn clothes –
              dark, frayed denim and
       coarse, thick twill –
dry stiff and straight.


Run underneath,
       nose first! Inhale
              the scent of grass,
                     chickens, lilacs,
                            axle grease, dirt.

                            A crackling, indigo sky warns
                     with sharp, quick finger-snaps,
              and thick, throaty growls.
       Pull off the pins, run inside!
Every body, every thread!

I like the direction this is moving. I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd