A Lament

[Todd]

Hi Lizzie,

I was in the middle of commenting and got called away. Here is some feedback for you.

A Lament  --Fairly generic forgettable title. I'd give this some more thought.



I grieve for the shorn-short grass--I like shorn-short. It makes me think of grass with grazing animals.
       that wanted to seed,--This personification of the grass is interesting in that you assign the want to the grass instead of the speaker.
       and for the dandelions
       that won't witness
       their hair turning white.
       I grieve for the nature pressing, pressuring,--I don't think pressing, pressuring adds much to the line.
       whose cycle is again rebuffed. --This line lets us in on the issue unnatural cultivation vs leaving nature to grow wild.
       I grieve for the thistles, the clover,--While I can follow the sentiment of the lines I do not like any "I grive" found as anything other than what leads a section. I think this works better with just one of those per section. I didn't call that out above but I mean this note for that line as well.
       the yellow flowers, the mushrooms--Yellow flowers might be better stated as a specific flower or flowers choice.
       that would have grown,
       provided habitat and food,--the next line sounds good for its alliteration. This one though just feels too flat...like you are giving me needed information but not moving me.
       shade and shelter –
       for rabbits, fawns, snakes, spiders –--I didn't mind the listing of plants above but its starting to feel like just a collection of nouns.
       from my curious children
       and other predators. --The other makes this line really nice.
       Every month or so, we make this same choice:
       to neuter the grass.--I like neuter the grass. It fits the theme and is evocative language.


I grieve for the tree-dwelling caterpillar,
       with yellow and orange tiger stripes
       and gentle porcupine spines.--wonderful detail here.
       My children explosively worshiped it, --love the phrasing and content here.
       then dropped and crushed it underneath
       unknowing and innocent feet.--This last part from underneath on is a little too wordy.
       Its life was as short as their attention spans.--probably don't need the was. Though I realize that may be more technically proper.


I grieve for the red shed next door,
       decomposing on foreclosed property.
       A fallen gutter, a broken window –
       time is always pressing down on it, --Now we've moved to created things in disrepair. I think you can remove is always and have a better line.
       pressuring it into the dirt. --I see your repetition of pressing and pressuring. I think it works here.
       Moss has overtaken its roof;
       the earth owns it now.


I grieve for the orange-fallen Popsicle
       diminishing in the shredded grass
       like decay captured in time-lapse film.--This is a nice image.
       We wash it with the green garden hose,--I don't know if green really adds anything.
       eroding it like chalk-soft rock, while my--I like eroding and chalk-soft rock 
       2-year-old melts into red-faced tears.--Might be stronger without red-faced. I do like the ending though.

I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd