05-26-2016, 08:25 PM
Not a serious crit, but overall I find this to be more of a brain-storm poem than I real poem. Eg, you kept writing to bring out more ideas, but never made the appropriate cuts.
The poem has some great imagery, I especially enjoyed the last stanza's first few lines.
However, it is hard to see how everything fits together, beyond a list of things. You move toward increasingly unnatural things that you lament (the grass, a bug, a cabin, an artificially flavored popcycle) but the reason for that isn't clear, if there is one.
I also find the last line of the first stanza to be strange. I mean, if we are just talking about mowing the lawn most people do that more than once a month. It kind of conjures up a period/ovulation image and I'm not sure you were going for that.
The poem has some great imagery, I especially enjoyed the last stanza's first few lines.
However, it is hard to see how everything fits together, beyond a list of things. You move toward increasingly unnatural things that you lament (the grass, a bug, a cabin, an artificially flavored popcycle) but the reason for that isn't clear, if there is one.
I also find the last line of the first stanza to be strange. I mean, if we are just talking about mowing the lawn most people do that more than once a month. It kind of conjures up a period/ovulation image and I'm not sure you were going for that.