Laundry Line, Edit #2

[kolemath]

I love this poem!  Thanks for sharing! -Kole

(A few comments below).

Laundry Line, Rewrite 1:




Cream sheets and blue jeans
       speak in flaps, laugh in snaps
              and witty, one-line whip-cracks. --I love the sound in this stanza, words like laundry in the wind; it also foreshadows to the coming storm that ends the poem, as this isn't a gentle breeze.


              Old-fashioned wood pins,
       two or maybe three,
leave firm marks.


Down-stretched arms wave, --great personification of laundry!
       a breezy trapeze. --love the sound (again)
              Shirts pendulum,
                     inviting flight. --way to keep the strong wind imagery consistent!


                     Work-worn clothes – --these images tell a story about the clothing's owner without ever mentioning a person; well done!
              dark, frayed denim and
       coarse, thick twill –
dry stiff and straight. --the imagery of this stanza reminds me of stanza #2: the firmness, stiffness. might these images be explored together before stanza #3, when the laundry begins to take flight?


Run underneath,
       nose first! Inhale
              the scent of grass,
                     chickens, lilacs,
                            axle grease, dirt. --yes! consistent with the worn clothing image, further exposition on an unnamed owner; smart connections!

                            A crackling, indigo sky warns
                     with sharp, quick finger-snaps, --since the stiff clothing snaps, should too the the sky?
              and thick, throaty growls.
       Pull off the pins, run inside!
Every body, every thread! --love the connection between people and clothing here; I see a whole family pitching in to get the clothes off the line. to me, it explores how laundry on a line can symbolize the personality of an entire family.


Laundry Line, Original:




Cream sheets and blue jeans
       wave, flap, snap –
            twisting, floating –
                 stiff.


                 Old-fashioned wood pins,
       two or maybe three,
leave firm marks.


Run underneath,
       nose first! Inhale
            the wind, the grass –
                 chickens, lilacs,
                      axle grease, dirt.


                 There's a storm coming in! 
            It's on the horizon!
       Rush to bring them in
before they get wet again.