05-25-2016, 09:37 PM
I had an opposite experience to Todd's. I don't see how the first two strophes add anything.
'Ancient winds' and 'travel the road' are worn out phrases. 'Ancient winds', in fact, is as meaningless as 'old air'.
Liked the change from 'our' to 'the' in S2 L1.
The last strophe is gorgeous.
Other than that:
and each distinct movement peculiar to each of you. - not sure why you had 2 eaches and the pointless 'distinct'.
together you moan and scream through my mouth. [i]- could be fresher
[/i]
'Ancient winds' and 'travel the road' are worn out phrases. 'Ancient winds', in fact, is as meaningless as 'old air'.
Liked the change from 'our' to 'the' in S2 L1.
The last strophe is gorgeous.
Other than that:
and each distinct movement peculiar to each of you. - not sure why you had 2 eaches and the pointless 'distinct'.
together you moan and scream through my mouth. [i]- could be fresher
[/i]
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe