In Sense - Edit2

[dukealien]

Starting with 'seen', would 'felt' and 'heard' be better?

Certainly worth a try!  Might suggest further trimming, too.

@aschueler - Removing first person may have had some drying effect ("the poem without the poet is bare," to paraphrase James Russell Lowell).  The trick will be to restore some juice to what is, being analytical, an inherently bloodless enterprise.

Thanks to both!  Gimme a few days to ponder.