05-24-2016, 03:35 PM
Let me just say, I love the personality that this has. It's very personal, yet universal. I love your use of fours. "It would...", "... me", then your shift to three with the "... you" makes sure it isn't stale. Repetition is something I'm always fond of as a musician, anything that's repeated has an intended poignancy and I love being able to know how important something is in a given stanza. Not sure if there is intentionally no punctuation at the end of lines, or if it was just forgotten.
Letting You Go
I keep walking until I feel numb
not aware of the world around me, or even myself
I can’t feel anything or maybe I just don’t want to, [I'm not sure how to read this line. One sentence or a break between anything and or?]
because if I do it would make all of this real
It would make you real
it would make us real
and it would make you leaving real
And maybe I’m just scared
Scared that if I open myself up, tear myself open,
this emptiness inside me would become what completely defines me
Threatening me
Breaking me
Daring me to collapse [Maybe expound on this a little more. Do you mean a literally a collapse, or an inward collapse?]
And I don’t know if I can fill the void where everything that was once there
Surrounded you. [This stanza seems almost out of place. In the previous line do you mean "with" when you say "where"?
Was made of you I see that you're trying to say you're lacking something without them, but is there anyway to maybe have more
And only you. text in this stanza without it going on and on? Repetition is good, but it has to make sense]
So I’ll be numb
I’ll be numb to this pain
Numb to the memories,
and numb to the sound of your name
I’ll be numb to the point where I can’t even feel my own tears [POWERFUL ENDING, it hits deep where It's meant to, the only thing I have to say about it is that the last sentence is a little awkwardly phrased. "I'll be so numb, that even my tears won't be felt." Just a suggestion.]
Overall, I loved this poem, and I think it's one that will stay with me for some time.
Letting You Go
I keep walking until I feel numb
not aware of the world around me, or even myself
I can’t feel anything or maybe I just don’t want to, [I'm not sure how to read this line. One sentence or a break between anything and or?]
because if I do it would make all of this real
It would make you real
it would make us real
and it would make you leaving real
And maybe I’m just scared
Scared that if I open myself up, tear myself open,
this emptiness inside me would become what completely defines me
Threatening me
Breaking me
Daring me to collapse [Maybe expound on this a little more. Do you mean a literally a collapse, or an inward collapse?]
And I don’t know if I can fill the void where everything that was once there
Surrounded you. [This stanza seems almost out of place. In the previous line do you mean "with" when you say "where"?
Was made of you I see that you're trying to say you're lacking something without them, but is there anyway to maybe have more
And only you. text in this stanza without it going on and on? Repetition is good, but it has to make sense]
So I’ll be numb
I’ll be numb to this pain
Numb to the memories,
and numb to the sound of your name
I’ll be numb to the point where I can’t even feel my own tears [POWERFUL ENDING, it hits deep where It's meant to, the only thing I have to say about it is that the last sentence is a little awkwardly phrased. "I'll be so numb, that even my tears won't be felt." Just a suggestion.]
Overall, I loved this poem, and I think it's one that will stay with me for some time.