05-24-2016, 07:41 AM
I have been trying to read this and come up with suggestions. I can understand where you have been working on it for months, it's tough. So please take this as a joke and a gentle suggestion:
Stolen from Lewis Carrol:
At last the Mouse, who seemed to be a person of authority among them, called out, 'Sit down, all of you, and listen to me! I'll soon make you dry enough!' They all sat down at once, in a large ring, with the Mouse in the middle. Alice kept her eyes anxiously fixed on it, for she felt sure she would catch a bad cold if she did not get dry very soon.
'Ahem!' said the Mouse with an important air, 'are you all ready? This is the driest thing I know. Silence all round, if you please! "William the Conqueror, whose cause was favoured by the pope, was soon submitted to by the English, who wanted leaders, and had been of late much accustomed to usurpation and conquest. Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria- -
So my point is that it's too dry. I think it needs something like maybe even scandal. Maybe people in it? I mean, there's the word vile that got my eyebrow lifted then it turned clinical. The verb tenses are mild and make me want to sigh when reading them. This is what over boiled water tastes like.
Hope this is helpful, I really want to read it after you have fiddled with it.
Stolen from Lewis Carrol:
At last the Mouse, who seemed to be a person of authority among them, called out, 'Sit down, all of you, and listen to me! I'll soon make you dry enough!' They all sat down at once, in a large ring, with the Mouse in the middle. Alice kept her eyes anxiously fixed on it, for she felt sure she would catch a bad cold if she did not get dry very soon.
'Ahem!' said the Mouse with an important air, 'are you all ready? This is the driest thing I know. Silence all round, if you please! "William the Conqueror, whose cause was favoured by the pope, was soon submitted to by the English, who wanted leaders, and had been of late much accustomed to usurpation and conquest. Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria- -
So my point is that it's too dry. I think it needs something like maybe even scandal. Maybe people in it? I mean, there's the word vile that got my eyebrow lifted then it turned clinical. The verb tenses are mild and make me want to sigh when reading them. This is what over boiled water tastes like.
Hope this is helpful, I really want to read it after you have fiddled with it.