Laundry Line, Edit #2

[Todd]

Hi Lizziep,

A few comments for you. This reads like a nice sensory in the moment image. I like the tornado formatting. It strikes me as more fun than gimmicky. That said, it would be nice if when read out loud the words would mimic the shape in our minds. It does that at points but the hand offs between stropes don't always convey that wild motion. That said, it isn't necessary just an observation. Some comments in the lines below:

Laundry Line




Cream sheets and blue jeans--Like the color use in this line.
       wave, flap, snap –
            twisting, floating –
                 stiff.--stiff is a very visually line as is wave flap and snap. I especially like the words that either set the image well or provide a sound. Twisting and floating are the least satisfying words for me--in any tense.


                 Old-fashioned wood pins,--Again good opening with a concrete image
       two or maybe three,--The maybe makes this more of a memory with the speaker looking back.
leave firm marks.


Run underneath,
       nose first! Inhale--This sequence makes me think the speaker is a child.
            the wind, the grass – --This is where you need to work a bit more. This line gives the impression of something happening but doesn't really add much.
                 chickens, lilacs,
                      axle grease, dirt.--These other nouns are problematic and breaking your pattern. You have been giving us one sensory image and than exploring it. Here you go Action, Noun, Noun, Noun, etc. I love the action but the rest to me is a collection of static words. No motion, no sound. Though axle grease might give me a smell.


                 There's a storm coming in! 
            It's on the horizon!--These first two lines would be better as sensory images rather than warning.
       Rush to bring them in
before they get wet again.

I hope that helps some. Enjoyed the read.

Best,

Todd