Laundry Line, Edit #2

[aschueler]

Laundry Line




Cream sheets and blue jeans
       wave, flap, snap –
            twisting, floating –
                 stiff.


                 Old-fashioned wood pins,
       two or maybe three,
leave firm marks.


Run underneath,
       nose first! Inhale
            the wind, the grass –
                 chickens, lilacs,
                      axle grease, dirt.


                 There's a storm coming in! 
            It's on the horizon!
       Rush to bring them in
before they get wet again.

Sorry to jump on this right after you posted it, just happened to sign on.

So, yay.  Seriously, this is a nice lil' poem.  The format itself is well done.

In the first strophe, stiff seemed to be off.  Especially with things moving around and flappin' in the wind. 

Then we have "firm" marks -- perhaps just leaving it at "marks?"  But that seems weird.  Not sure.

I really enjoyed the smell part you put in there, except axle grease.  

The last strophe all ended in rhyme.  With effort I wonder if you could get each one the have its own individual rhyme.