05-23-2016, 07:47 AM
Edit 1;
In Sense
Seen well but badly
some sights should be masked,
vile bodies and those which attract,
not vile which, seen, distract
from duty not to see.
Seen blurred but well,
motion in green astigmatic curls,
prey, predator to chase or dodge
resolves, projected on a lumpy screen:
sense from smeared evidence.
Feel unfocused but intense
pained hyposense from old stitched scars
of whittling knives,
haloed ghosts of sprains and bruises
carelessly earned, but like
each arthritic ache, rheumatic rue,
silver badge of aging on some godling’s plan
hatched to make heaven worth the dying for.
Hear imperfectly but all too well
enough of fragments, bites
of sound and virulence
sharp as tooth and catty claws.
Words slur but perfect pitch
of arrogance, disdain, war spite
streams bright as regimental standards
in the smoke and fight.
There’s a sense in which
sense evanesces, boils away,
dew fled in sunlight,
fallen dust becalmed
without the gross thing which feels
and the other felt:
where is the sense in it
without an “it?”
Focused images, sounds faithfully replayed
merely facilitate clear recognition,
sister of sense which braids
touch, hearing, sight with context -
understanding, often false,
remains the only truth within our power.
Thanks to all critics for their insightful and very helpful advice and suggestions. I didn't actually put the verses in a box and shake them, but there was a lot of highlight-click-hold-move involved.
@Caleb Murdock - I partially used your suggestion about writing as prose, making the rewrite form complete (if convoluted) sentences. Normally I take out a poem and fiddle with it over the course of weeks or months before submitting for crit, but this one had me stumped for months - where to start? So I submitted it, and received a wealth of excellent "cut here" suggestions, yours included. Thanks!
@OTG - Thanks for the excellent critique - very valuable to know what's working as well as what's not. I've recast without first-person (except first-person plural in the last line, can't seem to get away from it there) and eliminated the "touch" stanza as you suggested. Plus a certain amount of cutting in the process, and rearrangement to anyway suggest a theme and conclusion. [Aside: "Colors" was capitalized because it's an object of reverence, like Jupiter or Nemesis. But it did look odd and was, in addition, a bit irreverent there, so it's changed to demote and clarify.]
@Achebe - Thanks also for the idea of eliminating first-person narrator (now imperative in spots). I've tried to beautify a bit in the edit process, too. Still a novice at free verse, just have to climb back on the bicycle and try again...
In Sense
Seen well but badly
some sights should be masked,
vile bodies and those which attract,
not vile which, seen, distract
from duty not to see.
Seen blurred but well,
motion in green astigmatic curls,
prey, predator to chase or dodge
resolves, projected on a lumpy screen:
sense from smeared evidence.
Feel unfocused but intense
pained hyposense from old stitched scars
of whittling knives,
haloed ghosts of sprains and bruises
carelessly earned, but like
each arthritic ache, rheumatic rue,
silver badge of aging on some godling’s plan
hatched to make heaven worth the dying for.
Hear imperfectly but all too well
enough of fragments, bites
of sound and virulence
sharp as tooth and catty claws.
Words slur but perfect pitch
of arrogance, disdain, war spite
streams bright as regimental standards
in the smoke and fight.
There’s a sense in which
sense evanesces, boils away,
dew fled in sunlight,
fallen dust becalmed
without the gross thing which feels
and the other felt:
where is the sense in it
without an “it?”
Focused images, sounds faithfully replayed
merely facilitate clear recognition,
sister of sense which braids
touch, hearing, sight with context -
understanding, often false,
remains the only truth within our power.
Thanks to all critics for their insightful and very helpful advice and suggestions. I didn't actually put the verses in a box and shake them, but there was a lot of highlight-click-hold-move involved.
@Caleb Murdock - I partially used your suggestion about writing as prose, making the rewrite form complete (if convoluted) sentences. Normally I take out a poem and fiddle with it over the course of weeks or months before submitting for crit, but this one had me stumped for months - where to start? So I submitted it, and received a wealth of excellent "cut here" suggestions, yours included. Thanks!
@OTG - Thanks for the excellent critique - very valuable to know what's working as well as what's not. I've recast without first-person (except first-person plural in the last line, can't seem to get away from it there) and eliminated the "touch" stanza as you suggested. Plus a certain amount of cutting in the process, and rearrangement to anyway suggest a theme and conclusion. [Aside: "Colors" was capitalized because it's an object of reverence, like Jupiter or Nemesis. But it did look odd and was, in addition, a bit irreverent there, so it's changed to demote and clarify.]
@Achebe - Thanks also for the idea of eliminating first-person narrator (now imperative in spots). I've tried to beautify a bit in the edit process, too. Still a novice at free verse, just have to climb back on the bicycle and try again...
Five senses -
left out taste and smell...
just as well!
Non-practicing atheist