05-22-2016, 08:24 PM
Hi DA - I find the central problem not to be abstractions, but the plodding, prosaic nature of the lines. It's a first draft, I suppose, so there's some way to go.
We all have those times when something must be said that is felt keenly but understood vaguely. TS Eliot resolved it by writing lovely sounding nonsense, but we are grateful to him for that. So for you the first step for this piece might be to rewrite for beauty, then tweak for sense.
Specifically - I feel that dropping the 'I feel /I see' at he start of he strophes improves them.
I get the feeling that dropping the first person altogether will help his poem.
But it's great to see more free verse from you!
We all have those times when something must be said that is felt keenly but understood vaguely. TS Eliot resolved it by writing lovely sounding nonsense, but we are grateful to him for that. So for you the first step for this piece might be to rewrite for beauty, then tweak for sense.
Specifically - I feel that dropping the 'I feel /I see' at he start of he strophes improves them.
I get the feeling that dropping the first person altogether will help his poem.
But it's great to see more free verse from you!
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe