I see quite well but badly: Slightly awkward. Interesting idea to open with a contradiction
sights that should be masked,
vile bodies, and those which attract,
not vile, which seen, distract
from duty not to see. Strong imagery for “can’t look away”
I see not well but clearly:
motion in green astigmatic blur,
a bird, a predator, to chase or dodge
resolving on a lumpy screen,
sense from smeared evidence.
I feel, misleading but intense Losing the power of the contradiction here. Need more direct opposites
the hyposense of old, stitched scars
from whittling knives,
haloed ghosts of sprains and bruises
careless earned, but like Correction: carelessly earned. The modifier needs to be an adverb.
each arthritic ache, rheumatic rue,
my badge of aging on some godling’s plan
hatched to make heaven worth the dying for. Strongest stanza so far. Powerful prose reflecting age
I feel true but nearly vanishing, Again, the idea isn’t as captivating without a more direct contradiction
remembered touch of care,
reticent fingertips, shrinking
smooth otherness, blushing withheld.
Touch in memory,
memory in touch. How much is this adding?
There is a sense in which sense evanesces,
boils away, shrinks into nought,
dew fled in sunlight,
dust fallen to earth in a calm
without the gross thing which feels Great image!
and the other felt:
where is the sense in it
without an “it?”
I hear imperfectly but all too well: Better again
enough of fragments, bites
of sound and virulence
sharp as tooth and catty claws.
Words blur, but perfect pitch
of arrogance, disdain, war spite
streams unmistakable as regimental Colors Why do you capitalize? What is it adding?
in the smoke and fight.
What we call focus, optical sharpness
which can be measured and perfected
is but analogous to recognition,
sister of sense, connecting
what is felt, heard, seen with context.
Understanding, though it may be false
remains the only truth within our power Feels almost like Cartesian skepticism!
What works:
The third stanza is very strong. It strongly captures the feeling of aging and being aged. Well done! Additionally, the parallal structure with different senses and sensations works. In general, your prose and imagery elicits a strong reaction.
What works less well:
The poem needs a slightly stronger focus. The message is clear at the the end but the journey meanders. This may be personal preference but I only enjoy first person in poetry if the voice is unique and strong. My advice would be to try to use third-person or eliminate any sort of narration. The use of the "I" in the poem seems to diminish or hinder the themes of 'sense vs. understanding of our sense' because the narrator feels like a poet. The narrator does not read like a voice.
What to work on:
Method- The structure in each stanza is strong and consistent. What does rearranging the poem so all the stanzas about sense are together do?
Manner- The imagery is strong. Great work!
Matter- Interesting topic for the poem but it is muddled by the voice. Either try a different voice or eliminate the narration. Additionally, try to stay focused on the battle between the two forces (understanding our senses vs. what are senses are actually).
Thanks!
sights that should be masked,
vile bodies, and those which attract,
not vile, which seen, distract
from duty not to see. Strong imagery for “can’t look away”
I see not well but clearly:
motion in green astigmatic blur,
a bird, a predator, to chase or dodge
resolving on a lumpy screen,
sense from smeared evidence.
I feel, misleading but intense Losing the power of the contradiction here. Need more direct opposites
the hyposense of old, stitched scars
from whittling knives,
haloed ghosts of sprains and bruises
careless earned, but like Correction: carelessly earned. The modifier needs to be an adverb.
each arthritic ache, rheumatic rue,
my badge of aging on some godling’s plan
hatched to make heaven worth the dying for. Strongest stanza so far. Powerful prose reflecting age
I feel true but nearly vanishing, Again, the idea isn’t as captivating without a more direct contradiction
remembered touch of care,
reticent fingertips, shrinking
smooth otherness, blushing withheld.
Touch in memory,
memory in touch. How much is this adding?
There is a sense in which sense evanesces,
boils away, shrinks into nought,
dew fled in sunlight,
dust fallen to earth in a calm
without the gross thing which feels Great image!
and the other felt:
where is the sense in it
without an “it?”
I hear imperfectly but all too well: Better again
enough of fragments, bites
of sound and virulence
sharp as tooth and catty claws.
Words blur, but perfect pitch
of arrogance, disdain, war spite
streams unmistakable as regimental Colors Why do you capitalize? What is it adding?
in the smoke and fight.
What we call focus, optical sharpness
which can be measured and perfected
is but analogous to recognition,
sister of sense, connecting
what is felt, heard, seen with context.
Understanding, though it may be false
remains the only truth within our power Feels almost like Cartesian skepticism!
What works:
The third stanza is very strong. It strongly captures the feeling of aging and being aged. Well done! Additionally, the parallal structure with different senses and sensations works. In general, your prose and imagery elicits a strong reaction.
What works less well:
The poem needs a slightly stronger focus. The message is clear at the the end but the journey meanders. This may be personal preference but I only enjoy first person in poetry if the voice is unique and strong. My advice would be to try to use third-person or eliminate any sort of narration. The use of the "I" in the poem seems to diminish or hinder the themes of 'sense vs. understanding of our sense' because the narrator feels like a poet. The narrator does not read like a voice.
What to work on:
Method- The structure in each stanza is strong and consistent. What does rearranging the poem so all the stanzas about sense are together do?
Manner- The imagery is strong. Great work!
Matter- Interesting topic for the poem but it is muddled by the voice. Either try a different voice or eliminate the narration. Additionally, try to stay focused on the battle between the two forces (understanding our senses vs. what are senses are actually).
Thanks!