My Heat

[aschueler]

P

My Heat


You are sleeping; I like to let you sleep.  I like this contemplative line
You are my boy of paradise
Who finds my bed each Friday night;
And I am the man who never was young.  Interesting.... Not sure that you totally tied this in

I live my life for nights with boys like you,
Yet what has any boy to give?
You verge from one excitement to the next
When not sharing your rhythmic charms

Or dozing when the act is done.
And when the animal has left  sentence fragment 
Remains the intellectual disgrace
Who has never felt the surge of his own sex.

I am a modern man, all projection;  hard shift in topic, doesn't fit quite right here
The new breed of electronic mover,
Fingers on keys and thoughts at heaven's teat;  ironic tone i assume, which just works
You are my impatient feet, my fever.  I am pushing critique of mild, but assuming you are drawing some contrast here it misses.

You make me complete – that awful cliché!
You save me from the lonely ache.
The moist, supple root holds aloft the limb
That is dry and tired and about to break.   Again its mild but roots are confusing me

So run, my twenty-something tiger,  Personally I hate tiger here.  Cliched to the point of pain.
More of a boy than I was at eight;
Be what I can be only in my dreams:
My animal, my sap, my innocence, my heat. 


==========

I originally had "dash" for "verge".  I'm not sure I'm using "verge" correctly.

This is a very good start, but some things to consider.

Its all quatrains, but no clear consistent rhyme.  It doesnt have to rhyme, but usually thats the reason for structure.  I searched all over for the word verge.  Did I miss it?

The word tiger brings to mind cougar, which is something I think you don't want.  Sap and roots are nice but incompletely drawn out.

Keep going!

Mike