05-20-2016, 12:30 PM
Dear Ambrosial revelation,
Thank you for your very helpful reply! I really agree with your comments on the first stanza and I've tried to improve it. I also see that the breathing part is overused and boring. However, I like it in combination with the next line, and currently have no alternative. I could also not yet let go of "What is it that you do To get you through it all" line. I can let it out, but somehow I like the change of style, rhythm and perspective there. Is it really that cliche? I would love to hear what others think of that sentence and the place within the poem. I don't think I have a final version yet.
Again, thank you for your very helpful feedback. It made my first time posting on this forum a very pleasant experience.
best wishes,
Ivana
latest version:
Drum practice
Hit those drums
Beat those toms
breaking rhythm
Gets you calm
Pumping heart
Pounding bass
Kicking those
Drum skins hard
Breathing in
Breathing out
Beating skin
Pounding loud
Get it right
Get it tight
Hit the ride
Right hand side
Toms with tones
trembling tunes
Skin deep darkness
Lighting up
Bells that sound
Carry far
Lashing and crashing
Wishing it was
Calm inside
What is it that you do
To get you through it all
Gentle beats
Deep kicks
Click tap
Brush over skin
Feeling loved
Feeling lurched
Feeling left
With better heartbeats
Thank you for your very helpful reply! I really agree with your comments on the first stanza and I've tried to improve it. I also see that the breathing part is overused and boring. However, I like it in combination with the next line, and currently have no alternative. I could also not yet let go of "What is it that you do To get you through it all" line. I can let it out, but somehow I like the change of style, rhythm and perspective there. Is it really that cliche? I would love to hear what others think of that sentence and the place within the poem. I don't think I have a final version yet.
Again, thank you for your very helpful feedback. It made my first time posting on this forum a very pleasant experience.
best wishes,
Ivana
latest version:
Drum practice
Hit those drums
Beat those toms
breaking rhythm
Gets you calm
Pumping heart
Pounding bass
Kicking those
Drum skins hard
Breathing in
Breathing out
Beating skin
Pounding loud
Get it right
Get it tight
Hit the ride
Right hand side
Toms with tones
trembling tunes
Skin deep darkness
Lighting up
Bells that sound
Carry far
Lashing and crashing
Wishing it was
Calm inside
What is it that you do
To get you through it all
Gentle beats
Deep kicks
Click tap
Brush over skin
Feeling loved
Feeling lurched
Feeling left
With better heartbeats